Goodbye LJ...

[windandwater]

This is just to make it official for those who don't know, but I'm leaving LJ completely. For the rest of this week at least. Tomorrow is the Bar Exam and it runs for three days, so don't expect to see me about at all until Thursday night. Or even until the weekend since I plan on spending Thursday after the Bar drunk and crying. No online time for me at all. *whines* It will be hard, but I know I can do it.

So, because I'm a total h0r like that, I am declaring this to be a spam post. Go ahead. Run wild! Give me fics, give me links, give me pics, just babble to your heart's content and rape my inbox so I have something to see when I finally DO come back to the wonderful world of LJ. I don't even care if you write me a drabble and post it one word at a time. XD;

Though, I've tried to make a spam post before and it failed a bit miserably, so I don't have very high expectations this time around. Feel free to prove me wrong though!

♥

Comments

Re: Torn 5

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

He drawled this last word upwards into a theatrical whine, accompanied by a trademark Duo grin. I sighed and gave up; apparently Duo wasn't up to talking about his confession yet. He smiled, but his eyes pleaded with me to let it go, and I obliged him; for a while we just sat and talked easily about inconsequential things. I gave him a general update on the good fight, and occasionally regaled him with stories of various diplomatic quirks and mishaps -- and waited, watching him. After a time his laughter came less easily, and little by little the loose thread on the couch demanded more and more of his attention. Eventually, I fell silent as I watched his indigo eyes become veiled with his thoughts.

"I've missed you, Duo," I said quietly, projecting into those simple words all the sincerity I could. He looked up at me, and smiled; those eyes and that smile were so very familiar that I could almost forget that anything was wrong.

"Me too, Quatre," he responded, so softly that I had to strain to catch it. "But the war seems to be getting along just fine without me."

"Maybe," I admitted, catching his eyes and holding them, "maybe, but it's hard. Too damn hard. Sometimes, it's too easy to forget what we're fighting for. You always knew what you had to do, and why, and you always had the strength to pick up and go on afterwards. That's something I don't think the others have learned."

Duo shrugged it off. "I was always a survivor." His lips twisted into a wry smile. "Now that's ironic... who'd have thought I'd be the first one to go? I always thought it'd be one of the others, ya know? One of the ones who were in love with death. Me, I thought that if I'd made it this far, nothing could kill me." He closed his eyes. "I guess Death finally caught up with me... probably pretty annoyed that he missed me all those times on L2, I guess."

I couldn't tell which was worse; the pain through my Spaceheart of Duo's self-mocking tone, or my own misery. "This is all my fault," I blurted out; not entirely reasonable, I suppose, but I wasn't feeling particularly logical at the time. "I should never have gone to Earth, and let us be split up this way. I never even suspected anything was wrong..."

Tears blurred my vision, and I felt the couch shift as Duo slid over to me; the next moment a pair of warm arms settled over my shoulders. As though I were the one who was hurt. As though I were the one who needed comforting. "No way, man," Duo's voice told me firmly. "You did what ya had to, and none of this was your fault. Hear me, Catch? It was a lot of people's fault but never yours. Mine, and that bitch Une's, and..." he trailed off for a moment, as I struggled to get myself back under control. "And it's too late now," he sighed.

I sniffed -- kind of pathetic, really -- and swiped the tears angrily from my face. "It's not too late, Duo," I insisted angrily. "However it happened, you're here -- now -- and you've got a second chance. Don't you? That's something most people never get, but you can finish things with the others."

Re: Torn 5

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Silence was my only reply, and after a moment I looked up at him. He was at the same time distant and sad, as if he were looking at something both heartbreaking and too far away to reach. "Finish things," he repeated softly, and then looked down at his hands. "Yeah. That's what I'll do." He looked up at me again, and half-smiled. "Do me a favor, Catch. Call Trowa in here, would you?"

I didn't know why he didn't want to call Trowa himself, but I did as he asked. As I did, he unfolded his legs and slid off the couch, stretching as he moved to the middle of the room, then stopped as he reached the limit of movement that the handcuff and chain would allow him. An unreadable mask had descended over his features as he turned slowly around to survey the room. "Quatre?" he said, his back to me.

"What is it, Duo?" I responded, a bit perplexed by the sudden change in behavior. A funny sort of feeling was starting to grow in my uuchu no kokoro, but I couldn't identify a probable cause. He turned around and smiled at me sadly.

"I'm glad I got a chance to talk with you again," he said simply.

When Trowa appeared in the doorway, the strange feeling only grew. Frowning, I slid one hand up to my chest to rest over the fabric of my vest, but it did nothing to alleviate the bizarre sensation -- it didn't feel like the emotions I normally sensed; if I didn't know better, I would have likened it to heartburn.

"Trowa," Duo nodded to him, and gestured to one of the bookshelves. "Could you do me a favor and get me the notepad and pencil over there? I can't reach."

It was the same stationary as the notes in the box, of course; the notes had never left the room. Why hadn't he just asked me to get it? As Trowa fetched the requested item, the room began to waver as if in a heat daze. I felt oppressed by it; my mouth was dry and dizziness overtook me. When Duo took the paper from Trowa and scribbled a few quick lines, the slow burning suddenly flared into the sensation of raging flames. A choked half-cry escaped me, and as Trowa turned towards me, a worried question on his lips, I saw Duo set down the notepad on the shelf, and then he turned into a blur of motion and tackled Trowa to the ground.

The tiny room broke down into a chaos of frenetic motion and shouting; even as Wufei burst in from the outer room, Heero's stronger body pinned down Trowa's long flailing limbs, and flipped them both over on the floor, entangling them hopelessly in the chain. Wufei shouted a question that nobody answered, but hesitated before plunging into the fray. And me? I was frozen in place, too shocked to even make a sound. The struggling pair broke apart, as Trowa was half-thrown across the room and nearly took Wufei down. Almost faster than the eye could follow, Duo rolled smoothly to his feet, raised his arms, and trained Trowa's gun on the two pilots by the doorway. All at once the feeling of fire resolved itself into something recognizable as a human emotion; seething, white-hot rage. Duo's.

Re: Torn 5

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Wufei paled when he saw the gun in Duo's hand, and went for his own. Duo swung his aim to center on Wufei's chest. "One step, Chang," he said in a voice that was entirely too cool and collected. "One move too fast, and I will shoot."

"Duo..?" I blurted out, still unable to move, but equally unable to sit there in shocked silence. "What are you DOING?"

Duo held the pistol securely in an easy, two-handed grip, his stance steady and open. I'd seen that stance before, and I knew that from there he could track in the blink of an eye, and control the kickback of the gun enough that any bullet he fired would go exactly where he wanted it to go. He was far enough from the three of us that we couldn't possibly reach him before he fired, but close enough for it to be a point-blank shot. The *click* as he thumbed off the safety was clearly audible in the tense silence that suddenly engulfed the cabin. "What you said, Quatre," he responded, still in that eerily calm tone. "Finishing things. After all --" the barrel of the pistol twitched slightly, between Trowa and Wufei and back again " -- they were the ones who killed me."

"Duo..." I hissed his name, my mind working overtime, struggling against the shock and suspicion that were clouding my mind. "Have you gone insane? They're your friends! They wouldn't hurt you!"

He actually burst out laughing, then, although his aim never wavered. "What, you mean you didn't tell him?" he demanded half-hysterically -- not to me, but to the other two. "You never saw fit to tell him I died, after all, I suppose you wouldn't exactly be falling over each other to tell him the role you played in it, now would you? Or did you think I wouldn't find out? I was dead, after all! Nothing to worry about any longer!" He bit back a maniacal giggle.

My attention wavered between Duo, and Trowa and Wufei. "Trowa," I finally said in a tone far too plaintive for my liking, "what's he talking about?"

Trowa tore his hypnotized gaze from Duo's gun to glance sideways at my face, and the expression of guilt on his made my throat clench with dread. His mouth moved, but no sound came out.

"Go on, Trowa," Duo encouraged, his voice rising uncontrollably. "Tell him."

Trowa looked back at Duo, and almost whispered, "He's right. We betrayed him."

"No!" I protested angrily. I started to rise from the couch where I was sitting, but the intense glare that Duo leveled on me, coupled with Trowa's abrupt motion to 'stay,' held me to my seat. "No, that wasn't your fault! You didn't know where he was held prisoner until it was too late!"

Re: Torn 5

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

"Tell me, Quatre," Duo said conversationally. "Did they actually tell you that, or did you just assume? I'd hate to think that you two were liars on top of everything else."

"Maxwell --" Wufei growled, but Duo cut him off, voice increasing steadily in volume as he recited something from memory.

" 'November twenty-third. Nineteen-eighteen hours. Colonel Une has transferred operations to the command base on Dixon. Current base strength estimated at 287 -- 97 engineers, 52 administrative staff, 137 soldiers, and one unknown prisoner. Prisoner is suspected to be the missing Gundam pilot Duo Maxwell.' 'November twenty-fourth, five-thirty hours. Identity of unknown prisoner held at Dixon Command Base is confirmed to be Gundam Pilot 02.' Do those reports sound a little familiar to you, Chang? Barton? Especially since you wrote one of them yourself." Duo's fury boiled inside my Spaceheart, leaving me dizzy and faint; his hands were trembling, but his aim never wavered. "So convince me that it wasn't what it seemed. 'Cause it seemed an awful lot like you sat on those reports for two fucking weeks! Maybe you slept late, hmmm? Or got lost on the way? Or just never got around to doing anything about it?"

The blood drained out of my face at his announcement, and I switched my gaze to Trowa and Wufei, begging them to tell me it wasn't true. Trowa met my eyes, and his own were filled with guilt, and I couldn't even pretend that it had all been a horrible misunderstanding.

"Heero thought," he whispered, but never got any farther.

Duo's lips curled back in a snarl. "Oh, I just bet he did. Heero fucking Yuy the Perfect fucking Soldier thought that one grungy little street rat of a pilot who'd lost his Gundam wasn't worth the effort any more. And his ass-kissing subordinates back him up, sit on the reports for two weeks and shit themselves, and never for a moment consider that the great and wonderful Heero Yuy could do less than the Will of God! Now did you?" By the last words, he was nearly shouting, pouring out a torrent of obscenities at the other two pilots who sat frozen against the wall.

"SHUT UP!" Wufei finally burst out, fists clenched and trembling, eyes blazing. "You knew the risks that we all carried -- if you didn't want to die, then maybe you shouldn't have ever been a soldier! You damned well chose the consequences when you acted, Maxwell, and you bear your own responsibility for your own stupidity!"

Duo stared at him for a moment, hands trembling on the gun, pointed right between Wufei's eyes. When he spoke again, his voice was dangerously soft. "You know something, Wufei? You're right. This was all the fault of my own stupidity. And if I'd been smart, then I would have run like hell as soon as OZ showed up at that base. But I didn't, and do you know why? It was because for some absurd reason I was under the delusion that I wasn't working solo any more. For just one split-second, I imagined that I was part of a team -- that I had friends who would back me up and help me out when I needed it. Guess I was wrong, ne? Stupid little Duo, for daring to imagine that somebody cared."

Re: Torn 5

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

I couldn't listen any more. I couldn't believe any more; my vision of the other four pilots as my friends, as a family, was shattered. I had left them alone, innocently believing that they would continue to take care of each other -- that Duo would protect the hope of the three quiet soldiers in my absence, and they would protect his faith. But now everything had gone so horribly wrong -- Duo was dead, and his ghost was defiled with hatred towards the people who had done this to him. Towards the man I loved as my own heart, and the man I trusted as my brother. And Heero -- Allah, I didn't want to think about Heero. I didn't want to realize what he had done, when he had betrayed not only Duo, but his own soul. I had seen the spirit-rending injuries in Heero's mind when I touched him with my Spaceheart only days ago now, but I hadn't understood them. Now, I did -- I understood only too well. I had made the naive assumption that all I had to do was find Duo, the carefree and loving Duo I remembered, and all the rest of the problems would take care of themselves. Duo could heal me and Trowa and Wufei just by living, and he could save Heero through his love, and he could make everything all right. And now we had found Duo, but nothing could ever be right again. I heard a low keening fill the room, and barely recognized it as my own voice as the cocktail of Duo's rage and Trowa's guilt and my own miserable frustration bubbled up through my chest. I couldn't see, couldn't hear myself even as I jumped off of the couch and began shouting. "Stop it stop it STOP THIS NOW!" I screamed, unmindful of any consequences.

Duo's eyes widened, and his aim momentarily wavered between me and Wufei. Wufei was watching him closely, and in the moment of Duo's inattention, he sprang towards him, his hand going to his own pistol. Duo's gun immediately snapped back to Wufei and fired, once, twice. I watched, frozen in horror, as two explosions of red burst through the white fabric of Wufei's shirt; the Chinese pilot slammed back against the wall, then crumpled to the ground like a broken doll. The gun he had started to draw spun away from his nerveless hand and clattered to the floor.

A strangled croak of denial filled the air, and it took me a moment to realize that it came from my lover, not from me. Trowa broke out of his paralysis, and scrambled forward on his hands and knees, going for Wufei's gun. As though in slow motion, Duo's gun swung around to center on Trowa, and his finger tightened on the trigger. But I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let that happen.

I moved faster than I ever thought possible, throwing myself between Trowa and the gun. I barely had time to wonder if I was going to die, and if it would be anything like Duo had described to me; just as the gun fired, Duo's arm jerked to the side, and the bullet hissed past me to embed itself in the wall of the room. Everyone froze; Trowa reaching for the gun, me in a protective half-crouch over him, and Duo with his gun trained on both of us.

Re: Torn 5

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

I couldn't listen any more. I couldn't believe any more; my vision of the other four pilots as my friends, as a family, was shattered. I had left them alone, innocently believing that they would continue to take care of each other -- that Duo would protect the hope of the three quiet soldiers in my absence, and they would protect his faith. But now everything had gone so horribly wrong -- Duo was dead, and his ghost was defiled with hatred towards the people who had done this to him. Towards the man I loved as my own heart, and the man I trusted as my brother. And Heero -- Allah, I didn't want to think about Heero. I didn't want to realize what he had done, when he had betrayed not only Duo, but his own soul. I had seen the spirit-rending injuries in Heero's mind when I touched him with my Spaceheart only days ago now, but I hadn't understood them. Now, I did -- I understood only too well. I had made the naive assumption that all I had to do was find Duo, the carefree and loving Duo I remembered, and all the rest of the problems would take care of themselves. Duo could heal me and Trowa and Wufei just by living, and he could save Heero through his love, and he could make everything all right. And now we had found Duo, but nothing could ever be right again. I heard a low keening fill the room, and barely recognized it as my own voice as the cocktail of Duo's rage and Trowa's guilt and my own miserable frustration bubbled up through my chest. I couldn't see, couldn't hear myself even as I jumped off of the couch and began shouting. "Stop it stop it STOP THIS NOW!" I screamed, unmindful of any consequences.

Duo's eyes widened, and his aim momentarily wavered between me and Wufei. Wufei was watching him closely, and in the moment of Duo's inattention, he sprang towards him, his hand going to his own pistol. Duo's gun immediately snapped back to Wufei and fired, once, twice. I watched, frozen in horror, as two explosions of red burst through the white fabric of Wufei's shirt; the Chinese pilot slammed back against the wall, then crumpled to the ground like a broken doll. The gun he had started to draw spun away from his nerveless hand and clattered to the floor.

A strangled croak of denial filled the air, and it took me a moment to realize that it came from my lover, not from me. Trowa broke out of his paralysis, and scrambled forward on his hands and knees, going for Wufei's gun. As though in slow motion, Duo's gun swung around to center on Trowa, and his finger tightened on the trigger. But I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let that happen.

I moved faster than I ever thought possible, throwing myself between Trowa and the gun. I barely had time to wonder if I was going to die, and if it would be anything like Duo had described to me; just as the gun fired, Duo's arm jerked to the side, and the bullet hissed past me to embed itself in the wall of the room. Everyone froze; Trowa reaching for the gun, me in a protective half-crouch over him, and Duo with his gun trained on both of us.

Re: Torn 5

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

"Quatre," he said, breaking through the silence; his breaths came rapidly and shallowly, even though it wasn't him who had been leaping across the room. "I don't want to shoot you but if you don't get out of my way I swear to God I will."

I blinked to clear my vision, and looked up to face the dark gray glint of the gun barrel, and a strange calm fell over me at the sight. "No," I said, quietly and firmly.

"Goddamit, Quatre!" His voice cracked, and his shaking hands tightened on the gun's handle. "Move!"

Slowly, I shook my head from side to side. "I won't."

"Quatre..." Duo muttered, his voice full of grim purpose. "I'll shoot through you if I have to."

"Little one -- please --" I heard the muffled voice from behind me, felt Trowa stir as he struggled to climb to his feet, to move beyond my protection. Duo's aim tracked him in the blink of an eye, and immediately I shifted position until I was once again between him and the gun. Trowa let out a choked sob. "Please, Quatre -- don't do this. I'm not worth it. It's only what I deserve. Please, get out of the way..."

"I can't, Trowa." I was shaking, and my voice shook too, but my resolution was rock-steady. "I can't let you put yourself first this time. It doesn't matter what you think of yourself, but you are worth it to me. And I won't move."

"Why," Duo breathed. His face had gone pale as death.

I raised my eyes from the dark circle of the gun barrel to meet his gaze, and I didn't flinch from what I saw there. "Because I love him," I said softly.

For a moment more we stood frozen; his violet eyes wide and stricken locked with mine. Then rage overtook him, and transformed him; a feral snarl drew back his lips, and Heero's beautiful features were twisted into an ugly visage of jealousy and hate. He flung the gun against the wall as though he would break it into a thousand pieces, and threw back his head and gave vent to an animalistic howl of rage. His cry of fury quickly degenerated into a scream of verbal obscenities, and threw all his weight against the chain that bound him as though he could break it in his frenzy. "Damn you god damn you damn you GOD DAMN YOU ALL!" he screamed. The air in the room never stirred, but every loose object in the room shook and rattled in place in time with Duo's voice.

Re: Torn 5

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

I was beginning to wonder if maybe I should go for one of the guns, or if that would just draw his rage back down on me, when his voice broke from its frenzy with a suddenness too sharply defined to be natural. His entire body shuddered violently, and a sudden suspicion inspired me to look into his eyes.

Clear as crystal. Blue.

Heero stared at me for a moment, his eyes darting from side to side like a hunted animal, and then the moment was past and Duo was back. And he knew what had happened; he realized what was happening, and fought against Heero's returning personality with every ounce of his strength. His speech became disjointed, stuttered, as the two spirits struggled for dominion of the same body.

"DAMN you, Heero -- what have you -- let me go, let me go! -- what have you done? -- I won't go back, I won't -- give me back -- NO! You don't OWN ME! -- let go, Duo! I won't allow -- I'm not your prisoner, Heero! Let me GO!"

The final anguished cry hung in the air for a long moment; Heero's body was wracked by a final convulsive shudder, and he reached up to drag his hands over his face. The furniture lurched in place one last time, this last the most violent. The notepad and pen that had rested on the shelf teetered on the edge for a moment before sliding off and tumbling across the floor. It came to rest a few feet away, and I stared at it for a long moment before I dragged my gaze up to stare at the only boy left standing.

Heero looked back at me, his deep blue eyes bright and closed and revealing nothing. But this mirror had cracks in it; for the first time I could see past the reflective surface into the blackness that lay behind it.

I knew, then, that he knew what he had done.

Without a word, Heero pressed a code into the handcuffs on his wrists; they fell open and landed on the floor with a metallic clatter. Swiftly, precisely, Heero moved past me and Trowa and knelt at Wufei's side; with perfect efficiency, he checked the Chinese boy's condition. A weak groan emanated from him, indicating that he was, at least, alive, and without a moment's hesitation Heero began ripping apart Wufei's shirt for bandages.

I stood, my legs weak and unsteady, and pulled away from Trowa, ignoring the fear and frantic desire that crossed through his link to me. Instead, I moved the few steps it took to put distance between us, then knelt down and picked up the notepad. Duo's last words before he gave himself over to the hunger of vengeance.

You ran out of luck, Heero.

I'll see you in Hell.

Re: Torn 5

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

I was beginning to wonder if maybe I should go for one of the guns, or if that would just draw his rage back down on me, when his voice broke from its frenzy with a suddenness too sharply defined to be natural. His entire body shuddered violently, and a sudden suspicion inspired me to look into his eyes.

Clear as crystal. Blue.

Heero stared at me for a moment, his eyes darting from side to side like a hunted animal, and then the moment was past and Duo was back. And he knew what had happened; he realized what was happening, and fought against Heero's returning personality with every ounce of his strength. His speech became disjointed, stuttered, as the two spirits struggled for dominion of the same body.

"DAMN you, Heero -- what have you -- let me go, let me go! -- what have you done? -- I won't go back, I won't -- give me back -- NO! You don't OWN ME! -- let go, Duo! I won't allow -- I'm not your prisoner, Heero! Let me GO!"

The final anguished cry hung in the air for a long moment; Heero's body was wracked by a final convulsive shudder, and he reached up to drag his hands over his face. The furniture lurched in place one last time, this last the most violent. The notepad and pen that had rested on the shelf teetered on the edge for a moment before sliding off and tumbling across the floor. It came to rest a few feet away, and I stared at it for a long moment before I dragged my gaze up to stare at the only boy left standing.

Heero looked back at me, his deep blue eyes bright and closed and revealing nothing. But this mirror had cracks in it; for the first time I could see past the reflective surface into the blackness that lay behind it.

I knew, then, that he knew what he had done.

Without a word, Heero pressed a code into the handcuffs on his wrists; they fell open and landed on the floor with a metallic clatter. Swiftly, precisely, Heero moved past me and Trowa and knelt at Wufei's side; with perfect efficiency, he checked the Chinese boy's condition. A weak groan emanated from him, indicating that he was, at least, alive, and without a moment's hesitation Heero began ripping apart Wufei's shirt for bandages.

I stood, my legs weak and unsteady, and pulled away from Trowa, ignoring the fear and frantic desire that crossed through his link to me. Instead, I moved the few steps it took to put distance between us, then knelt down and picked up the notepad. Duo's last words before he gave himself over to the hunger of vengeance.

You ran out of luck, Heero.

I'll see you in Hell.