Goodbye LJ...

[windandwater]

This is just to make it official for those who don't know, but I'm leaving LJ completely. For the rest of this week at least. Tomorrow is the Bar Exam and it runs for three days, so don't expect to see me about at all until Thursday night. Or even until the weekend since I plan on spending Thursday after the Bar drunk and crying. No online time for me at all. *whines* It will be hard, but I know I can do it.

So, because I'm a total h0r like that, I am declaring this to be a spam post. Go ahead. Run wild! Give me fics, give me links, give me pics, just babble to your heart's content and rape my inbox so I have something to see when I finally DO come back to the wonderful world of LJ. I don't even care if you write me a drabble and post it one word at a time. XD;

Though, I've tried to make a spam post before and it failed a bit miserably, so I don't have very high expectations this time around. Feel free to prove me wrong though!

♥

Comments

Re: wtf is this, anyway?

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

It isn't long before Heero showed up for his first visit, taciturn and needy, and it is easier to think about him than it is to think about Hilde. But he is never around long, and my hours seem so empty. Work fills the empty spaces. Hilde would throw a fit.

Re: wtf is this, anyway?

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

"You work too hard, Relena," she breathes in my ear. "Don't you think there are other things you could be doing besides sorting through briefs?"

I squirm in her warm presence. Does she know what she seems to offer me? Does she know what I am? How I feel about her. How...

"The thing I'd rather be doing than ensuring world peace," I find myself saying in a husky voice, "is kissing a beautiful girl." What the hell, I might as well go all the way. "You available?"

Her eyes widen, and I start preparing a verbal retreat. "I'm sorr--"

She cuts me off with a kiss that is sweeter than all my fantasies.

And there are so many other things to do this night than paperwork.

Re: wtf is this, anyway?

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

Don't leave me Hilde. Don't leave me. I love you. Please don't leave me. Everyone leaves me. Mommy and Daddy went away so long ago I can't even remember what they looked alike, and then my new Daddy died and he said he wasn't even mine, and my mother wasn't my mother anymore. I got my brother back but he left me, too, and I have inherited everything from my vanished families but love, and I don't want to be alone.
Please don't leave, Duo, I can't be alone anymore. Hilde went away and I feel as though I have inherited everything from my vanished families but love....

...Please don't leave me.

Re: wtf is this, anyway?

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

Relena, what do you want to do tonight?

Not tonight, love, I have a lot of work. Oh, don't
you pout...

What beautiful eyes in such a beautiful face. She's sweetest when she's not trying; ah, her seduction slips for just a moment, and that's when I almost fall.

I have these briefs I have to read for a meeting tomorrow morning, at ten o' clock. It's quarter past two in the morning and I'm not even half done.

My lover is wearing a red silk nightgown; I bought it for her as a present five days ago. I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life as the half-hidden curves of her body through light silk. I want to kiss her on her mouth, warm and red and inviting es me with a smile. I want to bite her breast to hear her gasp, and to work my way between her legs until she's screaming my name.

My lover stands behind me, rubbing my tight shoulders with her hands and bending to touch my ear so delicately with her tongue.

She says, "Relena, what do you want to do tonight?"

She knows what I want to do.

I say, "Not tonight, love, I have a lot of work."

Her tongue withdraws and her hands slow.

I lean my head back against her soft chest. "Oh, please, don't you pout..." I didn't mean to say that, it's so inviting.

She makes me flirt even when I try to remain focused. I love her so much.

The local government of a South American ex-nation is hearing allegations that its most prominent Earth-sphere senator is involved in a child-prostitution scandal. This area has one of the highest concentrations of ex-Alliance soldiers in the world, many of whom are still unemployed. This political scandal will soon blow into a dangerous instability that could lead into an uprising. I am halfway through the briefings for a meeting in eight hours and I am tired now.

Re: wtf is this, anyway?

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

"Relena..."

"This is important, Hilde."

I swivel around in my chair to face her. I hate that expression. I draw her down for a kiss to wipe it away, and she melts into my arms.

"That's more like it," one of us breathes.

She starts to unbutton my blouse, but I fold my hands over hers.

"Not tonight," I repeat. "This is important."

I hate the way her mouth tightens and her eyes narrow. She is still beautiful, but knowing she's angry makes it impossible to savor the beauty.

"Please, Hilde..."

She leaves me without another word. She'll be asleep by the time I get to bed, I'm sure, but I won't be by her side very long. I'll need to be up by six so I can shower, dress, eat, and make my way into the capital for my meeting. I could save myself a lot of time if I would move, but I love this house too much to leave it. It was a lesser residence, a summer house in Sanq for some deceased relative to the throne, but I knew it was my home the moment I stepped
in the door.

My home and my Hilde are all I have between me and the abyss of my work. Without them, I would be nothing except what I appear to be, a politician and a legacy. With her, I feel more whole than I have since my foster father died and I was launched into a leadership I was too young to handle.

...I wish I had more time for her. More time here.

My house reflects my self, my soul...in clothes, in books, in trivial things...what was the last thing I read beside these reports?

Duo gave me a book called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance for Christmas. It's been untouched since then; I haven't had a spare moment to read it. Hilde read me passages from The Joy of Sex last night and I fell asleep to the sound of her voice, cradled in her arms.

Oh, I love her. I want to lay my papers down now and follow her into the bedroom.

I reach for the phone, dial a familiar number. Araki's tired face comes onto the screen.

"Yes, Minister?"

Re: wtf is this, anyway?

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

"Is there any chance at all we could reschedule the meeting for later, Araki? I have...some obligations that will make it difficult for me to arrive on time."

He turns for a moment, consulting some off-screen information, then shakes his head. "I'm sorry Minister, this is the only possible time. Do you want to cancel it?"

"No, no. I'll take care of it. Thank you, Araki. Good night."

I disconnect the phone and pick up the sheaf of papers again. I'm so tired.

Re: wtf is this, anyway?

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

"How do you feel?" he says so softly.

High notes can shatter glass. And he would never cut me.

"Broken."

Duo strokes my back. "Do you want me to send them home?"

Why did the sight of her bring me back to the edge? I thought I was better. But I have been falling all this time, alone, unsatisfied. I am drowning in my own life..

"No," I whisper. High notes can shatter glass. "I'll go and talk to them. I'll be...fine...you know..." Standing up is painful. I feel every scar on my skin. Step and step and step; the road goes ever on. Duo, help me walk. His elbow is under mine. "God, Duo, I'm a mess."

He laughs and it makes me shiver. "Yeah, you are. I'm gonna stick you in bed and get Dorothy, okay, Peacecraft?"

"No. I can walk." Help me, Duo.

"If I let you go, you'll keel over and Heero will kill me for dropping you."

I wonder if this is what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown.

This is wrong. This is all wrong. I sent her a letter just two months ago and I didn't cry at all.
My life is swallowing me up.

"Relena!" Someone sounds frantic. I have to fix things, I'm the Minister, it's my job. Duo, where are you?

Now I'm slumped in Duo's arms and I think maybe it's a year ago when I was bleeding on the ground of my garden because I stepped on broken glass. The walls are gone and the world is going dark and all I can feel is Duo's heart racing in his chest. I can hear him shouting for Sally, saying she's fainted and she's gone cold and everything is black and

I remember how just a week ago I felt sly and sweet when I laid a finger on the picture of a blue vinca flower and said to Heero how the color was just that of Duo Maxwell's eyes, knowing the smile it would draw from him and

her wide eyes across my dining room asked me for forgiveness

and I loved you Hilde, and you said walk on this, bitch and

My soul is bleeding; I must have stepped on broken glass.

Re: wtf is this, anyway?

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

There are three major conferences I must attend in the next month. Eighteen meetings; six are still unscheduled. I have five speeches to give in the next two weeks. There are twelve signed documents sitting on my desk that need delivering to offices in the capital; thirty-six documents still waiting for my signature, of which I have read twenty-two. Nine others must be sent back to their issuers because they contain unclear language.

I recite this list to myself before I open my eyes. My bedroom is streaming with morning sunlight and Heero sits, dark and complacent, in an armchair near me, sipping what smells like coffee. I frown slightly; I was sure he preferred tea these days.

"How do you feel?" he asks. His voice is devoid of inflection, but I see a hint of concern in his expression.

I shake my head, raking my hands through my mussed hair. I find that I am wearing a loose nightgown of pale blue. I wonder who changed my clothing.
Probably Duo. "I don't know," I say. "Sleepy. Can I have some of that coffee?"

Rather than calling someone or fetching some more, Heero moves to sit by me on the bed and hands me the mug. I taste it, and it is dark and sweet, the way I like it. ...Heero drinks his coffee black. I notice the steaming pot alone on the table; no sugar bowl, no second mug. I put my hand on his leg and sigh. "Were you drinking my coffee or did you sweeten yours for
me?"

Re: wtf is this, anyway?

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

He doesn't answer, but he smiles faintly. His hand rises to stroke my hair, and I lean into the intimacy of the touch. "Why didn't you ask me to stay, Relena? I would have stayed here to help you if you'd asked."

I close my eyes. "This isn't your life. It's mine." I lace my fingers around my mug as if to take its heat into my cold self. "I liked having you visit. I thought it was enough."

"I'm sorry I didn't realize you were so unhappy."

"How could you know when I didn't know myself?"

He lifts the mug from my hands for a drink. The gesture is so close and familiar that I want to cry. "You understand things about me that I can't even see," he told me. "You made sure I would be here in time to see him while I was still wondering. I used to think..." Heero rises from the bed to pace by my sunny window. He is so dark and grim in my pale pink bedroom that it is laughable. But then, I'm so pale and tragic I don't belong here either.

He shakes his head. "I used to think you mattered because you led the world into peace. But you do things for people...for me..." He sits again in the chair and leans towards me with a firm gaze I know better than to call a glare. "You can't lead this way, Relena. You're emotionally unstable."

I wince. "Call a spade a spade, I suppose...what do you have in mind as a solution, then?" I just collapsed at my birthday party because the ex-girlfriend who broke up with me a year ago dropped by for a visit; it's not exactly as if I can argue with him.

"Duo spoke with Sally Po last night. He said she recommended taking reducing your activities and finding a therapist."

"I don't really have time."

Re: wtf is this, anyway?

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

Heero's eyes flash. "Dorothy has already cleared your schedule for the next two weeks. There is a Vice-Minister, you know."

I laugh in spite of myself. "Very well, Heero. I will do as the good doctor reccommends. I'm drafting you if war breaks out, though..." It isn't very funny, but I just can't bring myself to care. I don't know why it is that Heero smiles, but he does.