Goodbye LJ...
Feb. 20th, 2006 06:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
This is just to make it official for those who don't know, but I'm leaving LJ completely. For the rest of this week at least. Tomorrow is the Bar Exam and it runs for three days, so don't expect to see me about at all until Thursday night. Or even until the weekend since I plan on spending Thursday after the Bar drunk and crying. No online time for me at all. *whines* It will be hard, but I know I can do it.
So, because I'm a total h0r like that, I am declaring this to be a spam post. Go ahead. Run wild! Give me fics, give me links, give me pics, just babble to your heart's content and rape my inbox so I have something to see when I finally DO come back to the wonderful world of LJ. I don't even care if you write me a drabble and post it one word at a time. XD;
Though, I've tried to make a spam post before and it failed a bit miserably, so I don't have very high expectations this time around. Feel free to prove me wrong though!
♥
So, because I'm a total h0r like that, I am declaring this to be a spam post. Go ahead. Run wild! Give me fics, give me links, give me pics, just babble to your heart's content and rape my inbox so I have something to see when I finally DO come back to the wonderful world of LJ. I don't even care if you write me a drabble and post it one word at a time. XD;
Though, I've tried to make a spam post before and it failed a bit miserably, so I don't have very high expectations this time around. Feel free to prove me wrong though!
♥
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:55 am (UTC)“Just a moment, Relena, darling!” Her lover called back. The door slammed open and Dorothy dashed in, wearing only a short bathrobe and carrying a bottle of champagne and two glasses in one arm and a pink loofah in the other. She waved the loofah at her girlfriend. “I had to find this,” she cooed.
“Ooh!” Relena batted her eyelashes as coyly as she could manage clad in nothing but lilac-scented bubbles. “Where did we leave that, honey-bear?”
“In the sink, sweetums. Can’t imagine how it got there.” Dorothy set down the glasses, pulled the half-loose cork from the bottle with her teeth, and poured the wine as she tossed Relena the loofah.
Relena giggled wickedly and set it on the edge of the bathtub. “How quickly we forget, our little kitchen adventures, dear Dorothy. You’re going senile.”
Dorothy slipped her robe off and let it drop to the floor. She handed Relena the glasses and said “Careful--don’t drop them; yes, that’s probably because you’re always fucking my brains out at every opportunity...” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively and stepped into the bath.
Relena groaned, eyes tracing her lover’s curvaceous form. “You know what those brows of yours do to me, Dorothy. Is this meant to be another opportunity?”
Dorothy leered. “Just a moment, my little sex-kitten. First--” she lifted one of the glasses from Relena’s hands. “First, a toast. To you and I, my darling, and our eternal romantic bliss!”
Relena clinked her glass against Dorothy’s and the two exchanged a tender kiss before sipping the champagne. “All right, then,” she breathed in Dorothy’s ear. “I believe there is now other business at hand?” Dorothy responded by stroking Relena’s lips with her own talented tongue...
Etcetera.
What the two happy lovers did not know, though, was that they were being spied upon! Certain jealous hentai Gundam Pilots were watching them via remote-controlled camera...watching...waiting...planning.
dah dah DUMMMM!!!
“All I’m saying is that it’s an offense against man and Allah,” Quatre said in a reasonable tone. Heero nodded vigorously. Quatre continued “Woman is meant to be with man. That’s why they have innies and we have outies.” He gestured at the screen. “I mean, look at that!”
Heero stared at the writhing, intertwined bodies of the Vice-Foreign Minister and her girlfriend, the Catalonia. “Disgusting,” he said. “It’s erotically sinful.”
Quatre sighed. “I adore Dorothy with all my heart and soul. How can she be with that slu--uh, I mean, how can she be with Relena instead of me? It fills me with boiling, Zero System-type insanity.”
Heero eyed his companion with a touch of unease. “Yes, I too feel the agonizing pain of rejection. Relena used to follow me around like an innocent little puppy. I thought she knew that my persistent death threats were only my quirky way of saying ‘I love you,’ but she now tells me she doesn’t like me that way. What am I going to do?”
Quatre said thoughtfully “Well, I was considering using a sinister plan to physically drag them apart, forcing Dorothy to realize it’s me and me alone that she loves. Interested in helping?”
Heero brightened. “That sounds much better than moping around here!” The screen caught his eye as Relena moved her hand into an improbable place and Dorothy thrashed. “Maybe we should watch them a little while longer, though. So we’re prepared for the mission.”
Quatre nodded enthusiastically, and passed Heero the half-eaten bag of popcorn.
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:56 am (UTC)Duo groaned into his hands. “It’s not just that she said no, Trowa. It’s why she said no.”
“She just wants to be friends?”
“Half right.”
“She’s got someone else?”
“Three-quarters.”
“She’s not gay, is she?”
“Seven-eighths...”
“Hilde’s a lesbian?” Trowa blinked his visible eye. He might have blinked the other one, too, but no one but Trowa and the author will ever know. “Huh.”
“It gets worse. Her girlfriend is pregnant--one of the embryos finally took hold, she said. She invited me to the baby shower,” he moaned, “And I have to bring a gift.”
Trowa digested this. “So, who’s the lucky girl?”
Duo tensed. “Uh.”
The eyebrow shot up. “You don’t know?”
“Well, I do,” Duo chuckled nervously, “But, uh, it’s someone you know.”
“Dorothy,” Trowa said positively. The Catalonia was clearly and unrepentantly gay, although Trowa had assumed her alone in that. Hilde...my, my, he thought. He was surprised to see Duo shake his head. “Relena?” he hazarded.
“Nope.”
“...” Trowa considered carefully. “...Sally?” Duo shook his head again. “Noin. Une?”
“Trowa....” Duo said gently, “It’s, uh, it’s Catherine.”
Trowa went dangerously still. “My...sister? Hilde is with...my sister? And she’s pregnant?”
Duo laughed, trying to break the tension. “Hey, at least it wasn’t your girlfriend...would-be girlfriend,” he corrected himself. Man, he was gonna miss having Hilde around to do the grocery shopping. She was a much better cook than him, too. “Uh, Trowa? Your sister, hey? Not your...oh my God, that’s so sick!”
Trowa glared at him. “We never actually got blood tests done. And there is historical precedent...”
Having sudden doubts about Hilde’s fertility clinic story, Duo tried to hold back a wave of nausea. “Trowa, babe, you aren’t Egyptian royalty. As far as we know. Besides, I’d’ve thought you’d be much more upset about Une...oops.”
“What?! I thought you said she wasn’t--” Trowa leapt to his feet.
“I said she wasn’t with Hilde! And I just heard the news from Wufei...Sally, Noin and Une are...”
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:56 am (UTC)“Shut up,” Zechs said wearily. “You’ve been repeating that for the past twenty minutes.”
“Buy me a drink, then,” Wufei said, not moving.
“Bartender! Scotch on the rocks for me, and--” he nudged Wufei with his elbow. “What do you want, Chang?”
“A Zombie,” Wufei said.
“A Zombie for the Chinese kid.”
The bartender grunted “ID?”
Wufei grabbed the man by his collar and hauled him half across the bar. “My girlfriend left me for a kinky lesbian threesome,” he growled. “I’m really pissed. When I get pissed, I get my Gundam and stomp things. Gimme a drink.”
The bartender extracted himself from Wufei’s grip and repeated “ID?”
Zechs carefully lifted Wufei’s wallet from his back pocket and flashed the man Wufei’s Preventers ID, which stated his age as an improbable twenty-three. The bartender looked at Wufei, looked at Zechs, and shrugged his shoulders. “Scotch on the rocks and a Zombie. Right.”
Zechs handed Wufei his wallet. “Why didn’t you just show him that?”
Wufei stuffed it viciously in his pocket. “That was more fun.”
Zechs sighed.
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:56 am (UTC)“Heero? What are you doing here--oh my god!”
Heero blinked, still a little shaken at the force with which he’d been thrown out on the doorstep. He was so sure Relena would appreciate his efforts, but she’d taken one look at him, lying on her bed wearing a leopard print thong with a rose clenched between his teeth, stroking himself erotically by the light of a hundred scented candles, and she’d burst out laughing.
Her last words to him still rang in his ears: “Heero! I’m GAY, and I’m with DOROTHY!”
“Plan B: Cross-dressing and Seduction.”
“But why, Dorothy?” Quatre pleaded. “Aren’t I pretty enough for you?”
Dorothy bit her lip. Quatre looked so much like a psychotic little puppy when he made that face, she hated to be cruel. “The dress is very nice, Quatre, you did a wonderful job with the make-up, and the fishnets are definitely your thing. But you just haven’t got the body for it. Or me.”
Quatre pouted. “Are you saying Relena’s more...talented...than me?” It wasn’t his fault. He’d only been on the hormone treatments for a week.
“Plan C: Throw everyone into a mad panic by shouting ‘EARTHQUAKE!’”
“What?”
“Sorry.”
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:56 am (UTC)Trowa shook his head. “I have to see it with my own eyes!”
“Eye,” Duo corrected.
Trowa stared at him. “What about you?”
“Never mind. Look, this is just going to upset you and you know it. Let’s just go home, huh?”
Trowa ignored him and knocked on the door.
“I am telling you, you don’t want to see what’s going on in that house, Barton--”
The door swung open to reveal Noin in a dominatrix outfit, sporting a taser in one hand, a cat-o-nine-tails in the other, and dangling a garter from her teeth. Her hair was mussed and she looked extremely cross at being interrupted. “What do you want?” she asked, spitting out the garter.
Trowa and Duo froze.
“NOIN! Get back here and whip me SENSELESS!” cried an impassioned voice from somewhere within the house.
Sally stuck her head in view and lifted the cat-o-nine-tails from Noin’s fingers. “Come on, Lucrezia, you know how Une gets when you keep her waiting...oh, hi Duo, Trowa!” She gave Noin back the whip and pushed her towards the sound of Une’s voice, copping a quick feel as she did. “Trowa, there was something Une wanted to tell you...” She pursed her lips. “What was it...”
“Uh?”
“Oh yes! She said to tell you it was over between you two and that you can keep the parakeet, the pictures, and the ping-pong balls, but she wants back the paddles and Fluffy.”
“Fluffy?” Duo choked.
“The gerbil,” Trowa managed.
“Right! Bye! Good to see you, Duo!” Sally gave him a little wave and slammed the door.
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:57 am (UTC)“Death threats.”
“Dorothy would skewer us.”
“Suicide threats.”
“Relena would give us her blessing.”
“Hypnotism.”
Heero brightened. “Now that has potential.”
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:57 am (UTC)“Huh?”
“Gimme a blowjob!”
Zechs tapped the barkeep on the shoulder. “It’s a drink.”
“...I knew that,” the bartender said, eyeing Wufei with some apprehension. “Don’t you think he’s had enough?”
Zechs shrugged. “Can you blame him?”
“Okay, okay, one Blowjob coming up,” the bartender sighed.
Wufei snickered.
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:57 am (UTC)WHACKsmashcrunch.
“My watch!”
“Here,” offered an amused Relena. “Use this.”
Quatre took the dildo gingerly. “Are you sure?”
She winked at him. Dorothy sniffed.
Quatre dangled the plastic penis in front of the grouchy-looking Catalonia. “You are getting veeeeery sleepy...”
“I’m getting very horny.”
“Sweetie,” Relena reproached gently.
Dorothy rolled her eyes. “I’m getting very sleepy, happy?”
“Right,” Quatre said. “Repeat after me: I am not a lesbian. I do not like women that way.”
“Quatre is not a lesbian. He does not like women that way.”
“Dorothy...”
“Are you sure you’re hypnotized?” Quatre said suspiciously.
Dorothy stared blankly at the wall and said in a monotone “I-am-hypnotized-master.”
“Okay! Say this after me: I prefer to have sex with men.”
“Quatre prefers to have sex with men.”
“Dorothy!”
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:57 am (UTC)“I can’t believe Dorothy planted a post-hypnotic suggestion for you to strip buck naked, sing ‘Copa Cobana’ and jump into the nearest body of water every time every time you hear the word ‘tadpole,” Heero said.
A damp vest struck in him in the forehead as Quatre began to croon “Her name was Lola! She was a showgirl, with yellow ribbons in her hair and a dress cut down to there...”
Heero winced. “Sorry.”
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:57 am (UTC)His cell phone began to ring, and he checked the number before answering. Now, why on Earth was Hilde calling him?
“Hello? Duo?”
“Yeah, what is it?”
“I have a little favor to ask. Are you busy this Saturday?”
“Uh, I don’t think so, why?”
“Well, I was hoping you could help us paint the baby’s room.”
“Oh.”
“I mean, we could ask anyone, really, but we always love to spend time with you, Duo. I mean, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I don’t still enjoy your friendship.”
Cursing himself for a fool, Duo sighed, “I’d love to help you. Was that it?”
“Oh, and if you’re free Sunday, you could help me make the arrangements for the baby shower!” Hilde said brightly.
Duo started bashing his head into the wall.
“Duo?”
“No sweat,” he told her in between thumps. “Any time.”
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:57 am (UTC)“Oh my God!” Heero backed away in terror. “There’s no way for this to end well.”
Quatre glowered at him. “Blow up their house,” he commanded. “That way, they’ll have nowhere to live. I’ll invite them to stay at my estate and we’ll split them apart with our wit and cunning!” He coughed and blew on his nails. “I am a master of strategy.”
“...” Heero mulled it over. “Any other ideas?”
“One of us impersonates one of them and dumps the other.”
“Okay, then, I know where we can find some high grade explosives!”
“Duo’s garage?”
“Well...yeah.”
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:58 am (UTC)“We want some C4 and some dynamite,” Heero told him bluntly.
Duo digested this. I don’t wanna know, I know I don’t wanna know. “Why?”
“Purely legitimate, utterly legal purposes,” Quatre assured him with an angelic expression that was only slightly marred by the violent tic in his left eye.
“Quatre? Have you been sniffing Zero System again?” Duo asked suspiciously.
Quatre folded his arms, suddenly hostile. “I can stop any time I want!”
“It’s probably better if you don’t know,” Heero told Duo. “So you can’t incriminate us. Just in case.”
“Whatever,” Duo said. “I’m going back to bed.” I wonder if Trowa made it home safely. He seemed pretty shaken after he gave Fluffy back to Une. Did she really have to tell him she faked it every single time?
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:58 am (UTC)The derelict snored and pulled his newspaper blanket more tightly around him.
Trowa turned to his other side. “You?”
The cat ignored him in favor of licking out the empty tuna tin.
He shrugged. “Figures.”
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:58 am (UTC)Wufei’s head swung up from where it was resting by a stack of shot glasses. “Sally?” he croaked. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you, Wufei,” she said, patting his arm.
“But you left me for a kinky lesbian threesome with Noin and Une!”
The pile of blond hair on the other side of the table growled “Will you shut UP!”
“Well, that’s true,” Sally acknowledged, carefully adjusting her leather skirt and corset so she could sit on the barstool. “That’s why I’m here to talk to you.”
Wufei’s eyes narrowed, then crossed. He gave up and said “Why?”
Just then, Zechs slid off his stool in a boneless heap. Sally reached under the table and hauled him back up. “You’re not wearing panties,” he told her. “Isn’t that unhygienic? I thought you were a doctor!”
Wufei’s left nostril sprouted a trickle of blood, which Sally plugged up with a lace handkerchief she pulled out of her cleavage. “You’re just jealous because your ex-girlfriend would rather dress up in bondage gear and do Une with a strap-on than be with you,” she informed Zechs haughtily.
Wufei’s other nostril began bleeding, and Sally pulled out another handkerchief from somewhere within her corset.
“Aren’t those six-inch stiletto heels bad for your spine?” Zechs accused.
Sally huffed. “You’re just jealous because Noin would rather lick chocolate sauce off my naked, quivering body than yours.”
“She’s got you pegged, you know” the bartender told Zechs as Wufei passed out from blood loss.
“Thank God Trieze didn’t live to see this,” Zechs said mournfully, fumbling for another shot.
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:58 am (UTC)“You poor thing,” she said unenthusiastically, rubbing a hand across his stomach. An ash dropped on his bare skin and Trowa yelped. “Oops.”
Trowa let his head fall back on the pillow. “I just don’t know how to get a woman to stay...” he moaned.
The alarm went off beside his ear, and the woman leaned across him to slap the snooze button. “Time’s up, hon.” Trowa didn’t move, and she poked him. “Hey, kid, I’m not leaving until I get paid.”
Trowa brightened. “Really?”
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:58 am (UTC)“You want me to be the godfather?!” Duo asked, incredulity tingeing his voice. “Dear Lord, why?”
“Well,” Hilde said, rubbing Catherine’s stomach soothingly, “We were going to ask Trowa.”
“Really.”
“Yes, since he’s the baby’s--uncle, of course.” Catherine blushed. Duo clamped a hand across his mouth as his stomach heaved. “But he’s been so erratic lately...”
“Please, Duo?” Hilde pleaded. She squeezed his hand. “Won’t you do this...for me?”
“Yeah, sure,” he mumbled. “Whatever you want, Hilde.”
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:58 am (UTC)BOOM!
That’s odd, thought Quatre. I could have sworn we used enough to level the place twice over. Why didn’t it blow up? Then he turned around to see the source of the sound; what had in fact blown up was Heero’s car. Oh. That would explain it.
He raced over to the burning car, noting that Heero had been thrown well out of range of the burning debris. “Heero! Are you all right?”
Heero struggled to sit up. “Ninmu...shippai...” he gasped.
Quatre looked back at the wreckage of the car. “Aw, fuck it. I give up.”
“My thoughts exactly,” croaked Heero before passing out.
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:59 am (UTC)“How was your day, snookums? Do anything interesting?” Relena asked her, drawing her lover down beside her on the seat.
“Nothing terribly important,” said Dorothy, who had spent all afternoon removing and repositioning the explosives. “Now, make mad, passionate love to me.”
Relena nuzzled her neck. “I don’t know why explosions turn you on so much, but I can’t say I mind.”
“Says the woman who’s aroused by the color pink.”
“It’s so suggestive,” Relena purred.
“Pervert.”
“You know you love it.”
“Mmm....”
Pargan craned his neck, then adjusted the rearview mirror.
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:59 am (UTC)She stroked his hair. “Poor dear, Wufei...it wasn’t you I left, it was your confining, restrictive lifestyle.”
“What do you mean?”
“I just couldn’t stand to sit back and watch you repress your cross-dressing tendencies anymore, Wufei,” she told him. “We have to be true to ourselves. I have a leather fetish, Noin wants to be a man, and Une likes getting spanked.” She kissed him. “You secretly long to wear my clothes, I know. Don’t hide it anymore.” She pulled out her white, lacy panties and bra from her purse and waved them enticingly at him.
Wufei’s eyes tracked them like a starving man would follow a cheese sandwich on wings.
“What are you saying, Sally?” he said finally, clenching his fingers tightly.
She laid her hand on his, her long red nails flashing with tiny gems. “Come join us, Wufei. Instead of a kinky lesbian threesome, we can be a kinky transvestite foursome!”
“...Will I have to get a sex change?” he asked doubtfully.
Sally winked. “We’ll see. Just put the panties on and we’ll try it this way first, okay?”
“Okay!” He said happily, shimmying out of his clothes quickly. Nine-tenths of the bar averted its gaze. One-tenth leered.
Sally beamed. “Oh, don’t you just look good enough to eat, Wufei!” She slid her arm through his.
“I hope so,” Wufei grinned laviciously. “And call me...Wufette!” he said as Sally tugged him out of the room.
Zechs stared after the departing couple and shook his head with a sigh. He turned and signaled the bartender. “More scotch!”
“Pay your tab,” the bartender told him, wiping dry a stack of shotglasses.”
Zechs shrugged, pulled out Wufei’s wallet, and began counting out money.
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:59 am (UTC)“Catherine’s got a craving for pickles and crackers,” Hilde said. “Please? For me?”
“No. Absolutely not. No. No...” Duo tried to avert his gaze from Hilde’s puppy-dog eyes. “Fine,” he muttered. “I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.” He picked up his car keys. “Anything else?”
“Green tea ice cream!” Catherine hollered after him.
Duo groaned. Whipped, he thought. I am so pathetic.
Re: taking a page from mikke's book!
Date: 2006-02-21 03:59 am (UTC)“Why, simple, my little treacle-tart of womanly joy,” Dorothy answered. “Exhibitionism turns me on!”
“Oh!” said Relena. “Hmm. We could have sex on the terrace...” she offered.
Dorothy’s eyes lit up. “I’ll get the whipped cream.”
And the two hentai lesbians lived happily ever after. So did the kinky transvestite foursome. But everyone else was miserable, especially Trowa.
finis, thank the good lord.
Notes: This was inspired by Sophonisba, who probably now wishes she hadn’t said anything, conceptually developed in the bath (not the shower--I never think of anything in the shower), and typed on the iBook as I sat stark nude in front of a window because I was in too much of a hurry to get dressed. O.o Blame--I mean, credit--for Heero and Quatre’s Comic Schemes should go to Mikkeneko. Plan C) is a line swiped from Trigun, and that is also Mikke’s fault, as is “Have you been snorting Zero System again?” and “Ninmu shippai,” which means “mission failed” and as far as I know originated with Mel & Christy.