THIS is why Mary Sues will never die
Jan. 12th, 2006 01:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
windandwaterHoly crap.
I mean. I'm just. THEY SELL THIS STUFF? For REAL? This is sorta funny, in an utterly brain-breaking way. Though, I did have a fun time plugging in Heero and Duo's names into the sample thinger, just to see what the actual writing on the inside of the book was like. ZOMG. Purple prose FTW!
*giggles* Too bad this is so unashamedly heterosexual. They've rehashed every single bad plot ever in every cliche genre; the summaries seriously read like Harlequin novels. XD;; I would be embarrassed to actually have a personalized book like this on my shelves. I mean, what if you break up? Or you could just be a creepy stalker. *sporfle* Or you could be like me and stick male names in. The feisty Lady Duo indeed!
EDIT...
Okay, I'm weak. And I just HAD to share what I got when I stuck Heero and Duo's names in. XD! So here's the excerpts from the book thinger. But Duo and Quatre have become women... because this book (and the others) are JUST THAT HET. Genderswitching! Yay! And bad prose!
Medieval Passion describes the timeless romance of the ever so whimsical Lady Duo and Heero Yuy, heir to one of the largest, most magnificent estates in all of England.
Sit back and relax as you journey back through the ages to the regal setting of the late 1400s… a time of courage, honor, chivalry and true romance!
Chapter Three... Duo & Heero - the first encounter
...A rut in the road caused the carriage to lurch violently and Lady Duo was flung backward, her hands grasping for the satin upholstery over her head. But again it was Heero that saved the day, catching Duo up in his arms as the carriage careened over the rut, finally righting itself onto the pathway.
Gathered in a reckless embrace Duo held to Heero, golden tassels twisted against the length of her fingers in one hand, dark brown locks of his hair in the other. In the midst of her own ill considerations of him, she discovered in fear that she relished the touch of this bold Marquis ... more than what the love of another man would readily grant forgiveness.
Duo lost the strength to ask that Heero stop as his lips reached the curve of her neck. She felt his royal hands explore her bare legs beneath the cover of her gown. Beyond all sense of reason, his lips met with hers, eager for her unforeseen delicacies ...
Chapter One ... Lady Duo, Quatre and Max the wonder dog
"What's that look for?" Duo asked.
Quatre merely shrugged, concealing her face from Lady Duo as she bent down and began to pet Max. "All I'm saying is that you should give the Marquis a chance," Quatre defended.
"A chance?" Duo repeated angrily, her blue eyes ablaze. "Tomorrow I am to be officially betrothed and in less than a week I will be Lord Coventry's wife!"
"Well, that gives you seven days to grow to like him." Quatre replied with a devilish grin. But Duo only glared back.
'A week,' Max thought, surveying the floor for fallen bits of pork rind. 'Seven days of feasting and then on to our new Lord's castle in Coventry to retire to a life of luxury. What more could a dog possibly ask for? What more could Duo want...' Max jumped up onto the bed and stretched out once again.
"Don't you worry sweetheart," Duo whispered, gently pulling Max closer, "I'll find a way to get us out of this, you just wait and see. We won't go to some big old castle in Coventry without a fight."
'Does this mean there won't be a banquet?' Max wondered in dismay, but the fire in the hearth had been reduced to glowing embers and snuggling against the warm body of Lady Duo was far too much for any dog to resist. Max slowly drifted off...
Chapter Ten .. Love triumphs for Lady Duo & Heero
...Rose petals lay scattered across the bed and the sweet scent of roses overwhelmed them. Heero slowly moved his hand, tracing the gentle slant of her shoulder, the delicate curve of her neck and the sweep of her jaw. Softly, Heero brushed a lock of brown hair from her forehead as he looked into her breath-taking blue eyes.
"We've already wasted so many nights," Heero admitted, gathering Duo in his strong arms.
Duo gazed back, and in a whisper replied, "What is but one night in the history of England, my lord..."
Heero finished the sentence, "...but another night stolen from our bed."
Duo could feel the beating of his heart and the warmth of his desire surround her. She reached up and tilted his head, bringing him closer, his mouth a breath away as she uttered the words that would keep Heero with her, warmly by her side for the length of the night and forever...
I mean. I'm just. THEY SELL THIS STUFF? For REAL? This is sorta funny, in an utterly brain-breaking way. Though, I did have a fun time plugging in Heero and Duo's names into the sample thinger, just to see what the actual writing on the inside of the book was like. ZOMG. Purple prose FTW!
*giggles* Too bad this is so unashamedly heterosexual. They've rehashed every single bad plot ever in every cliche genre; the summaries seriously read like Harlequin novels. XD;; I would be embarrassed to actually have a personalized book like this on my shelves. I mean, what if you break up? Or you could just be a creepy stalker. *sporfle* Or you could be like me and stick male names in. The feisty Lady Duo indeed!
EDIT...
Okay, I'm weak. And I just HAD to share what I got when I stuck Heero and Duo's names in. XD! So here's the excerpts from the book thinger. But Duo and Quatre have become women... because this book (and the others) are JUST THAT HET. Genderswitching! Yay! And bad prose!
Medieval Passion describes the timeless romance of the ever so whimsical Lady Duo and Heero Yuy, heir to one of the largest, most magnificent estates in all of England.
Sit back and relax as you journey back through the ages to the regal setting of the late 1400s… a time of courage, honor, chivalry and true romance!
Chapter Three... Duo & Heero - the first encounter
...A rut in the road caused the carriage to lurch violently and Lady Duo was flung backward, her hands grasping for the satin upholstery over her head. But again it was Heero that saved the day, catching Duo up in his arms as the carriage careened over the rut, finally righting itself onto the pathway.
Gathered in a reckless embrace Duo held to Heero, golden tassels twisted against the length of her fingers in one hand, dark brown locks of his hair in the other. In the midst of her own ill considerations of him, she discovered in fear that she relished the touch of this bold Marquis ... more than what the love of another man would readily grant forgiveness.
Duo lost the strength to ask that Heero stop as his lips reached the curve of her neck. She felt his royal hands explore her bare legs beneath the cover of her gown. Beyond all sense of reason, his lips met with hers, eager for her unforeseen delicacies ...
Chapter One ... Lady Duo, Quatre and Max the wonder dog
"What's that look for?" Duo asked.
Quatre merely shrugged, concealing her face from Lady Duo as she bent down and began to pet Max. "All I'm saying is that you should give the Marquis a chance," Quatre defended.
"A chance?" Duo repeated angrily, her blue eyes ablaze. "Tomorrow I am to be officially betrothed and in less than a week I will be Lord Coventry's wife!"
"Well, that gives you seven days to grow to like him." Quatre replied with a devilish grin. But Duo only glared back.
'A week,' Max thought, surveying the floor for fallen bits of pork rind. 'Seven days of feasting and then on to our new Lord's castle in Coventry to retire to a life of luxury. What more could a dog possibly ask for? What more could Duo want...' Max jumped up onto the bed and stretched out once again.
"Don't you worry sweetheart," Duo whispered, gently pulling Max closer, "I'll find a way to get us out of this, you just wait and see. We won't go to some big old castle in Coventry without a fight."
'Does this mean there won't be a banquet?' Max wondered in dismay, but the fire in the hearth had been reduced to glowing embers and snuggling against the warm body of Lady Duo was far too much for any dog to resist. Max slowly drifted off...
Chapter Ten .. Love triumphs for Lady Duo & Heero
...Rose petals lay scattered across the bed and the sweet scent of roses overwhelmed them. Heero slowly moved his hand, tracing the gentle slant of her shoulder, the delicate curve of her neck and the sweep of her jaw. Softly, Heero brushed a lock of brown hair from her forehead as he looked into her breath-taking blue eyes.
"We've already wasted so many nights," Heero admitted, gathering Duo in his strong arms.
Duo gazed back, and in a whisper replied, "What is but one night in the history of England, my lord..."
Heero finished the sentence, "...but another night stolen from our bed."
Duo could feel the beating of his heart and the warmth of his desire surround her. She reached up and tilted his head, bringing him closer, his mouth a breath away as she uttered the words that would keep Heero with her, warmly by her side for the length of the night and forever...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:13 pm (UTC)This is awful, but so much fun. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:27 pm (UTC)"What can I do for you?" she said coolly.
"What's your specialty," he flirted, leaning against the bar, flashing his big browns.
"Sarcasm," was the sharp reply. "Care for a double?" Edward had spent the morning cleaning the saloon's eaves troughs and was feeling filthy, embarrassed and annoyed all at the same time. She was in no mood for flirtation.
Put in his place, Alphonse cleared his throat and introduced himself as Alphonse Elric, a foreman with the Grand Humber railroad. "Ma'am, just call me Alphonse," he said, trying to make amends.
"Well the guy you're looking for? The hotel manager? That's me. I'm also the owner, Edward Elric," she said coolly, giving a little and extending her hand.
So distracted was Edward by her conversation with Alphonse that she had forgotten Winry awaited her return on the other side of the kitchen door. Her friend leaned against the stove, arms folded with an amused grin on her lips. With a concerned look barely masking a huge smirk, Winry asked, "What's that in your eye?"
Edward stopped and blinked her hazel eyes - she didn't seem to have anything in her eye, but before she could reply Winry broke in with a smile. "I think it's a twinkle!"
"Did you listen to our entire discussion?" Edward scolded.
"Well, yeah," Winry replied.
After Winry took care of one of the saloon's patrons, the two old friends gossiped in the kitchen about the evening's events.
"He's okay if you like that type," Winry said.
"Oh, you still see Alphonse as that type?"
"No, a different type now," she elaborated. "Y'know, the charming, handsome, gentlemanly type. You're right. I think I've changed my mind. I want him for myself now!" They chuckled youthfully and Edward felt the heat rise in the kitchen or did she just blush?
Alphonse was completely distracted by the vision before him. Edward stood against a tree, the breeze blowing her robe open exposing her thin cotton nightdress, making it clear there was little or nothing between her haloed body and the white fabric. Edward suddenly became very conscious of that same fact. The combination of the cool breeze, her moment of fright and the excitement of a man's forbidden gaze made her skin tingle and her breasts strain against her night shirt. In the shadows she could not see his eyes drift over her shapely body, but she could feel them just the same.
"Are you cold?" Alphonse said, breaking the awkward silence. He removed his overcoat and carried it to Edward, the moonlight reflecting majestically off her blonde hair.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. Her hands were cold but there was a warmth building from within. Every other part of her body seemed confused by the circumstances...
Best part, though, are the terrible illustrations that go with it. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:29 pm (UTC)Yuki sighed, his eyes narrowing, then he suddenly reached out and grabbed Shuichi by her bodice string that, unbeknownst to her, had become untied and hung loosely from her dress. The lace tightened immediately as he pulled her towards him like a dog on a tether. Shuichi winced with surprise and embarrassment, her brown eyes ablaze.
*is struck by gigglefit, can't go on*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:32 pm (UTC)Of course it has a bodice! All pirate
ficsnovels have obligatory bodice ripping!(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:35 pm (UTC)Spying a dusty red binding on the lower shelf, Edward pulled at the tightly wedged volume. Unbeknownst to her, her jostling had caused a book to dislodge and tumble from its precarious position on the top shelf. Then she heard it - the sound of a sudden movement and leather against flesh. She looked up, surprised.
"What?" her hazel eyes widened as she took in the sight.
"If I startled you, my apologies." The man in dark silk smiled at her through electric blue eyes and then reached up toward the skewed shelf, adjusted it, and returned the book. His voice was like his clothing, soft, rich, almost beckoning. The dim light fell gently on his black hair and shoulders. Impossibly wide shoulders...
Edward felt her heart skip a beat; how picturesque. His arms seemed not to stretch as he reached to resettle the shelf. Watching from below, comprehension dawned, she tucked her blonde hair behind her ears in nervousness. Ah, the noise. She eyed the angle, and a shudder wracked her body. The whole shelf could have toppled were it not for this curious stranger. She had to clear her throat before she could speak, her mind filled with images of heavy, sharp-cornered objects landing on her head. "Thanks for the rescue," Edward said. Then with a grin added, "Quick hands."
"Only when there is need, I assure you." Roy Mustang smiled, teeth reflecting bright in the dusty air, those broad shoulders casting a shadow over Edward. He nodded in what might almost have been considered a bow and then turned sideways and was gone. One moment there, the next he'd vanished as though he'd never been...
Roy sighed. He longed to go to Edward, to comfort her, to caress her, but he could not, and so he remained outside, just below her window, watching and listening. He thought of her silky blonde hair and dancing hazel eyes. His mouth filled with the bittersweet taste of longing. The first flush of dawn chased him away, but before he left, he thrust a note beneath her window sash.
I have watched from the shadows;
you are brighter than sunlight.
It might have been more poetic than literal, but he meant it truly; hers was a warmth that would not burn him to ash - though it did seem to have seared its way into his heart.
Roy, you vampiric bastard, I never knew you were a poet! And I never wanted to, urk. x_x
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 11:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 10:50 pm (UTC)>.>
<.<
OMG! Rose petals!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 11:03 pm (UTC)... the pirate one has bodices.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 11:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-12 11:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-13 07:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-13 08:23 am (UTC)VICTORY~!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-13 04:25 am (UTC)