Monday Mornings

[Scene: GW Common Room. Quatre and Trowa are sitting together at the table, eating breakfast... mostly off each other, but hey, whatever floats your boat, right? Wufei is on the couch, reading through a thick book. Relena is sitting in a chair, trying not to stare at Trowa and Quatre, and looking upset.]

Relena: Hm!

Wufei: [looks up from his book and removes his glasses] Onna! Will you stop doing that! It's annoying!

Relena: How can you be... be... so CALM when... when...

Quatre: [giggles]

Relena: [forces her eyes away] When THAT is happening practically in front of you!

Wufei: [sighs] You KNEW that this was a primarily yaoi mansion before you came. What were you expecting, that we'd drop everything just to please you? It doesn't work that way. You're in OUR territory. At least for the time being.

Relena: You don't have to be so rude!

Wufei: I'll act any way I please in my own home. If you want the company of other females, you can try the CCS Wing, or the OC Wing. But here it is--

Quatre: [from the table] All Yaoi! All the Time!

Wufei: Hn. Yes.

Duo: [storms into the room] Well, I hope you're happy, ojou-san!

Relena: [bristles] What is that supposed to mean?

Duo: Heero's locked himself in the bedroom and refuses to come out! It's all your fault! You and that damn bunny of yours!

Relena: [stands up] Don't you dare blame me for that, Duo Maxwell! The Writer has agreed to write the fic!

Duo: Don't try to take it out on the Writer! If you weren't such a whiny, harping bi--

Relena: Don't you dare say it!

Duo: See! Even you agree with me! Heero will never be that same after this! You fucked him up *GOOD* in that fic. I can't even get him to go back to his default!mode!!!

Wufei: [raising his voice] Will the both of you just SHUT UP?! Duo, get out of the Anything!mode and back to slut!mode. Maybe that will calm you down. Relena, I suggest that you take a walk. Both of you are just continuing the fight that the Writer didn't finish last night.

[Duo's outfit shifts from his Preventer uniform to the "Must Pilot a Gundam to Ride" shirt]

Duo: [sighs] Ah... god... that feels better.

Relena: ... [storms off, slamming the door behind her]

Wufei: [rubbing his temples] ... onnas...

Duo: [grins] And people wonder why we're gay. C'mon, Wu-babe. Shift modes. Let's see if we can't snap Hee-chan out of his depression.

[Wufei shifts to slut!mode, which puts him in Trowa's green dress shirt and nothing else]

Wufei: Ninmu Ryoukai.

Duo: Yo, Tro! Q-babe! Don't use up all the whipped cream!

Consequences of Your Actions

[Scene: Bedroom. A very large bed takes up most of the room and on it is a very familiar pile of limbs and bodies.]

Duo: Uuuuuuunnnnnnnnn...

Wufei: I... itai...

Trowa: [pained] ...

Quatre: [sits up *very* carefully and rubs his hand across his face] Wh-what the hell happened?

Wufei: [shifts his position slightly so he isn't smothering Duo anymore] Heero happened. [wince]

Duo: [gasping for air] Thank, 'Fei... I didn't think you'd be able to peel me outta the bed this time.

Trowa: [shifting his position and wincing] He certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase, "Fuck you through the mattress."

Duo: That... is SO not funny right now.

Quatre: I can't believe I'm so sore!

Wufei: [snorts] You should have just let him be seme. But noooooo, you had to try to fight him for the dominant position.

Duo: [pulling himself carefully out from under the pile of bodies] Yeah, Q-babe. I forgot that Heero gets damn possessive when he goes slut!mode. You should have went quietly, like me and 'Fei.

Trowa: Or not so quietly. Duo, if I start losing my hearing, you're paying for the bills.

Quatre: [looking around the bedroom] Where is the man of the day, anyway? He should be passed out by now.

Duo: He shoulda passed out two hours ago, but he kept going like a damned Energizer bunny! That's it! I don't fucking care if he's depressed, he's not getting NEAR my ass any time soon!

[murmurs of agreement all around]

Wufei: [musing] Well, at least we got him snapped out of his angst!mode.

Trowa: Oh yes. And it only cost the four of us the ability to walk for the rest of the night.

Duo: You got off easy, Tro. I don't know if I'll be able to walk tomorrow, let alone tonight!

Trowa: Alright, I concede the point.

Quatre: But... shouldn't we be worried about where Heero is? I mean, he's riding high in slut!mode right now. You don't think he'd do anything foolish, do you?

Wufei: This is Heero Yuy we're talking about. Since when has he ever done anything rash?

[silence]

All: *SHIT*!!!

Do Not Taunt Your Writer

[Scene: the Writer's Sanctum. Relena is alternating between looking smug and upset. Duo looks like death warmed over (hee!) and the only thing keeping him standing is the fact that he's leaning against the wall. He's hastily dressed in his black cargos and bare feet. Heero is strapped to the opposite wall, a wild look in his eyes.]

Writer: You fucked up big time, Maxwell.

Duo: [groans] I know.. I know... can I blame it on temporary insanity?

Writer: [scathing] You mean temporary insanity caused by a massive rush of TESTOSTERONE to the brain?

Duo: The other guyz agreed!

Writer: I'll deal with them later. You're my primary Muse, Duo! You're supposed STOP shit like this from happening, not compound the situation!

Duo: I was *trying*! Look, Heero was massively depressed over the whole songfic thing and I, personally, didn't want to be cleaning his brains off the bedroom floor! I had to do SOMETHING to snap him out of it!

Writer: So you -- and the others -- decided to shift him into uberslut!mode. Thus, releasing a dangerously possessive, always willing and ready, TERRORIST in the mansion?!

Duo: Would it help if I told you it sounded like a good idea at the time?

Relena: [scoffs] I'm surprised that you could even think, with all that sex on your mind!

Writer: [glaring] Not one word out of you, Relena! I have a bone to pick with you, too! Did you actually think it was a good idea to try to put the moves on Heero?!

Relena: I didn't know he was... unbalanced.

Writer: What tipped you off? The fact that he tried to strangle you for taking away his, and I'm using his words now, FUCKBUDDIES?!

Relena: I thought that he was still in angst!mode from the fic! I swear!

Duo: You better check your nose, ojou-san. It's getting longer.

Relena: You think I'm LYING?!

Duo: I'm not the one who tried to get a psychotic!Heero into my bed!

Relena: No, you did that beforehand!

Writer: [furious] THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH!

[there is a flash of light and Relena and Duo suddenly find themselves gagged]

Writer: [winces] Oh... damn. Look. I've gotten so worked up that I've had to pull out my Writer's powers on you. [visibly calming down] Look... just... just try to be CIVIL with each other, okay? I'll take care of Heero and snap him back into some semblance of normal. I don't think I'll be writing much tonight anyway since I'm so behind on my RL stuff. Relena, you... stay in the OC Wing for the rest of your stay here. Hoshino and Mai will love to have visitors. If I catch you anywhere NEAR the GW Wing without my permission, I will SCRAP your fic, even if it's nearly done. Got that?

Relena: [nods]

Writer: [waves her hand] Go to the OC Wing. The gag will be gone by the time you get there.

[Relena bolts like a bat out of hell]

Duo: Mmph?

Writer: I should punish you more, you know.

Duo: ... mmmphh...

Writer: Yeah. I know. I almost feel sorry for you. You're not gonna be able to sit at ALL tomorrow.

Duo: Mmph!

Writer: Oh, jeeze... don't pull that puppy-eye thing on me. It's disturbing. Just... tell the others that Heero will be back in the morning.

Duo: Mmphhh! [points at gag]

Writer: [smirk] It'll dissappear on its own... in a little while. COunt yourself lucky that you need to communicate with the other guyz or I'd leave that thing on you all night. Go back to your wing.

[Duo leaves, but takes a long look at Heero, whose eyes are glazed]

Writer: [sighs and pitches forward onto her desk] What did I do to deserve Muses like this?