Goodbye LJ...
Feb. 20th, 2006 06:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
windandwaterThis is just to make it official for those who don't know, but I'm leaving LJ completely. For the rest of this week at least. Tomorrow is the Bar Exam and it runs for three days, so don't expect to see me about at all until Thursday night. Or even until the weekend since I plan on spending Thursday after the Bar drunk and crying. No online time for me at all. *whines* It will be hard, but I know I can do it.
So, because I'm a total h0r like that, I am declaring this to be a spam post. Go ahead. Run wild! Give me fics, give me links, give me pics, just babble to your heart's content and rape my inbox so I have something to see when I finally DO come back to the wonderful world of LJ. I don't even care if you write me a drabble and post it one word at a time. XD;
Though, I've tried to make a spam post before and it failed a bit miserably, so I don't have very high expectations this time around. Feel free to prove me wrong though!
♥
So, because I'm a total h0r like that, I am declaring this to be a spam post. Go ahead. Run wild! Give me fics, give me links, give me pics, just babble to your heart's content and rape my inbox so I have something to see when I finally DO come back to the wonderful world of LJ. I don't even care if you write me a drabble and post it one word at a time. XD;
Though, I've tried to make a spam post before and it failed a bit miserably, so I don't have very high expectations this time around. Feel free to prove me wrong though!
♥
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: Confluence
Date: 2006-02-22 07:57 am (UTC)He took a deep breath, as though gathering his courage, and raised his head to meet my eyes.
("I love you, Duo.")
Somehow, I kept the smile from wavering, even as my heart crumpled. Damn the daydreams, damn the dreams! What good was fantasizing about things that could never happen? Dreams only made reality more painful when they died. "Go on, Heero," I encouraged, my cheerful voice sounding very remote in my ears. "I'm listening."
He stared at me, some flavor of disbelief in his eyes. "Duo, I just told you."
Damn! The hallucination must have masked his voice. "I'm sorry, I must've... zoned out there for a minute." Great Duo, make him think you don't bother to listen. Make him think you don't care. "You mind repeating yourself?" I do care, I do...
"I love you."
This time, the smile did slip, and I shook my head slightly, almost unwillingly. "Geez, Heero, I've got to be really out of it today. I could've sworn you just said that you... that you..." I couldn't even repeat it back. My throat suddenly closed up, and I realized when I tried to swallow that my mouth was dry. When did my heart speed up that much? When did my hands start to shake?
His face was right in front of me, suddenly, grey-blue eyes burning holes right through me. "Duo," he said slowly. "I. Love. You. As... more than a friend." He shifted, uncomfortably, and his gaze slid away. "That's why I came here today. To tell you."
My heart skipped a beat. I couldn't breathe.
Re: Confluence
Date: 2006-02-22 07:58 am (UTC)This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. He turned back, with such pure emotion written on his face that it was almost blinding to look upon. "You've done me more kindnesses than I deserve, Duo -- you're so much a better person than I've ever been. I admire you. I respect you. I feel... better when you're around. And..." He closed his eyes. "I've found that I'm attracted to you."
I forced myself to breathe. If I went too long without oxygen, I might wake up. That would be bad.
He took a slow breath, and opened his eyes as he let it out in a sigh. "I only hope that this won't damage our friendship. I know that even if you're... upset... you won't hold it against me." Was there a hint of uncertainty, in his tone?
At last, my mouth unlocked and I could breathe freely again. My mouth was dry as sand; I had to lick my lips before I could speak. "But... what about Relena?" I croaked.
"What about her?" Heero echoed, looking more confused than I thought he had any right to.
"Aren't you and she an... um... item?" I hedged. I mean, for Christ's sake, Relena had been chasing after Heero for as long as I've known either of them. Heero always fought for her, protected her... the knight in shining armor and his white lady. Pay no attention to the stableboy.
"I... no." He cast his eyes downwards. "You have to understand -- Relena is one of the most important people in the universe to me. I admire her ideals, I care about her welfare. But I don't love her... not the way she imagines she loves me." His shoulders lifted in a brief shrug. "Not the way I've found that I love you."
An ironic smile tugged at his lips briefly. "I think I've been too harsh on Relena, all this time. The way she always threw herself at me... I thought she had no self-control at all. But then, the minute I'm finally honest with myself, I come running to L2 to throw myself at you. It's weak, I know. But after I realized, that what I felt for you was love... I just couldn't go on and pretend like nothing had happened." He slumped, dejected. "I don't have that kind of strength."
Re: Confluence
Date: 2006-02-22 07:58 am (UTC)I laughed. I think that startled him. It sure as hell startled me. I could hardly breathe, and there I was wasting it on breathless laughter. "Heero..." I finally managed to say when my voice came back to me. "If only you could have taught me some of that weakness... God." I set my bottle down on the table, with trembling hands, before I dropped it, and let my hands fall back to my sides. "I would never have had the strength to be as weak as you."
His grey-blue eyes flared to life, suddenly, as though my words had lit a fire behind them. "What are you saying, Duo?" he growled. He sounded a bit breathless, himself.
A crooked grin stole across my face, like creeping water. "Heero Yuy, you dumbass, I love you too. Christ! I've been in love with you for two years!"
I actually saw him tremble, I swear. "Honto?" he breathed. "But... I never realized..."
"Honto ni," I said softly. The old aching welled up in my throat, behind my voice. "I never told you because... because I thought you'd be disgusted." I let my eyes slip closed. "It was okay if you didn't care, but I couldn't have made it if you hated me. I dunno, maybe I thought you'd finally get around to killing me."
There was a rush of air, and suddenly a firm warm weight settled over me on the couch. My arms automatically went up around Heero, and I settled into him as though two pieces of a puzzle had finally come together, click. Like a key into its lock, or a magnet finding its mate, or anything that was so right. He moved against me, and I felt something soft touch my cheek. "You could never --" he murmured, and his lips moved down to my jawbone -- "disgust me --" to my neck -- "never." I'd never been kissed like that before, not that gently. "I could never hurt you." Never. "I love you too much to hate you."
Two years of loneliness, of wishing and wanting and never daring to touch, seemed to rise up in me and wash away under Heero's touch. He loved me. He loved me? The perfect soldier, the beautiful Heero Yuy, loved me? It was too much to be believed...
"Oh, God," I moaned, opening my eyes to the ceiling above but not seeing it. "This can't be real. This has gotta be a dream. Gotta be." That must be it, I was dreaming. I was suffocating under my covers with a pillow over my face and any minute now the alarm clock would go off.
Re: Confluence
Date: 2006-02-22 07:58 am (UTC)God but Heero felt so good.
"It's not a dream," he insisted, a touch of irritation in his voice.
I was having trouble focusing on his face, hovering so close above my own. It wavered in and out of my vision, like a reflection on the surface of water. Or maybe through heat waves. It was so hot in the apartment all of a sudden. "It is," I countered, bemused.
"Does this feel like a dream?" Heero murmured, and I never would have heard it if he hadn't spoken directly on to my skin. His eyes caught mine, and I lay there trapped as he closed the last of the distance.
(His lips pressed against mine and) oh God I swear I could feel every nerve ending (gently at first but with increasing pressure as) his warm soft tongue darted out to run gently across my lips (and I could feel his heartbeat speeding up) where his chest lay flush against mine (and I wanted to feel him) skin to skin...
"It does feel like a dream," I gasped when I regained control of my mind again. "But I don't ever wanna wake up..."
He made a strange little noise, and shifted against me, pulling back enough to see my face again. "This is even better than I expected it would be," he remarked, with a note of surprise in his voice.
I stilled, and managed to work up a fairly convincing glare as I struggled to push myself up on my elbows. It wasn't easy with Heero sitting on my legs and half across my chest, but I at least tried. "You expected?" I repeated, slightly incredulous.
Jesus Frog on a pogo stick. The Perfect Soldier was blushing. He looked away, and stammered out an answer. "Once I realized that... uh... I wanted you, I couldn't help but imagine..."
Re: Confluence
Date: 2006-02-22 07:58 am (UTC)God but Heero felt so good.
"It's not a dream," he insisted, a touch of irritation in his voice.
I was having trouble focusing on his face, hovering so close above my own. It wavered in and out of my vision, like a reflection on the surface of water. Or maybe through heat waves. It was so hot in the apartment all of a sudden. "It is," I countered, bemused.
"Does this feel like a dream?" Heero murmured, and I never would have heard it if he hadn't spoken directly on to my skin. His eyes caught mine, and I lay there trapped as he closed the last of the distance.
(His lips pressed against mine and) oh God I swear I could feel every nerve ending (gently at first but with increasing pressure as) his warm soft tongue darted out to run gently across my lips (and I could feel his heartbeat speeding up) where his chest lay flush against mine (and I wanted to feel him) skin to skin...
"It does feel like a dream," I gasped when I regained control of my mind again. "But I don't ever wanna wake up..."
He made a strange little noise, and shifted against me, pulling back enough to see my face again. "This is even better than I expected it would be," he remarked, with a note of surprise in his voice.
I stilled, and managed to work up a fairly convincing glare as I struggled to push myself up on my elbows. It wasn't easy with Heero sitting on my legs and half across my chest, but I at least tried. "You expected?" I repeated, slightly incredulous.
Jesus Frog on a pogo stick. The Perfect Soldier was blushing. He looked away, and stammered out an answer. "Once I realized that... uh... I wanted you, I couldn't help but imagine..."
Re: Confluence
Date: 2006-02-22 07:58 am (UTC)His slate-blue eyes softened, and he smiled. Not one of those insufferably smug smirks that I always want to smack off his face, but a real smile. "As long as one of us knows what we're doing."
I think he knocked over my beer when he pounced on me, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to give a damn. It was all junk anyway, except for Heero... He rested his cheek on my collarbone, and I my chin in the wild disarray of his hair. I still could hardly believe that this was real. It was a dream, a fantasy, a little piece of paradise. I felt a warmth growing inside the bottom of my chest, and it spread up and outwards until I was encased in a little bubble of bliss; just me and Heero, not my ratty apartment or Relena or anyone else in the world. At some point, I realized that words were coming from my lips, without my conscious thought to shape them. Figures. The happiest moment of my life and I couldn't even shut up to enjoy it. Oh, what was it I was saying...
"Aishiteru -- I love you -- I'd do anything for you, Heero. You mean the world to me. For two years, you've been all I can see... all I can think about. I'd die to protect you..."
"...I'd kill to keep you safe." A soft voice blended with mine, my thoughts, his voice. God.
"You make me do things I never thought I could do."
"You make me feel things I never knew I could feel." Do you feel what I feel? Even a little of what I feel? I just hope so, I just hope you're as happy as I am, although it doesn't seem possible that anyone could be...
"...without you, I'm not complete..."
"...not really alive. Without you..."
"...I've been so lonely." I don't want to be alone, now that I've found you.
"Before I knew you -- "
Re: Confluence
Date: 2006-02-22 07:59 am (UTC)"But I never knew that there was any other way to be." I didn't know these words, these feelings were inside him. Are they new? Are they for me? God, I wish, I wish... God, please let this happen.
"Stay with me?" I plead.
"Always. Always."
~owari~
Re: Confluence
Date: 2006-02-22 07:59 am (UTC)(outtake)
His face was right in front of me, suddenly, grey-blue eyes burning holes right through me. "Duo," he said slowly. "I. Love. You. As... more than a friend." He shifted, uncomfortably, and his gaze slid away. "That's why I came here today. To tell you."
My heart skipped a beat. I couldn't breathe. I dropped my beer and began rolling around on the floor, gasping and wheezing. Damn fibrillations.
"Inhaler!" I gasped out. "Must have inhaler!"
He just looked confused. "This wasn't in the script..."
Too late. I died.
Re: Confluence
Date: 2006-02-22 07:59 am (UTC)(outtake)
His face was right in front of me, suddenly, grey-blue eyes burning holes right through me. "Duo," he said slowly. "I. Love. You. As... more than a friend." He shifted, uncomfortably, and his gaze slid away. "That's why I came here today. To tell you."
My heart skipped a beat. I couldn't breathe. I dropped my beer and began rolling around on the floor, gasping and wheezing. Damn fibrillations.
"Inhaler!" I gasped out. "Must have inhaler!"
He just looked confused. "This wasn't in the script..."
Too late. I died.