Goodbye LJ...

[windandwater]

This is just to make it official for those who don't know, but I'm leaving LJ completely. For the rest of this week at least. Tomorrow is the Bar Exam and it runs for three days, so don't expect to see me about at all until Thursday night. Or even until the weekend since I plan on spending Thursday after the Bar drunk and crying. No online time for me at all. *whines* It will be hard, but I know I can do it.

So, because I'm a total h0r like that, I am declaring this to be a spam post. Go ahead. Run wild! Give me fics, give me links, give me pics, just babble to your heart's content and rape my inbox so I have something to see when I finally DO come back to the wonderful world of LJ. I don't even care if you write me a drabble and post it one word at a time. XD;

Though, I've tried to make a spam post before and it failed a bit miserably, so I don't have very high expectations this time around. Feel free to prove me wrong though!

♥

Comments

Re: Torn 6

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

I stopped my pacing and looked back at Heero. No change; he was staring at the screen, but his hands were motionless on the keyboard. After a moment more, I ventured, "Heero?"

"You said you would listen," he whispered. "You said I could trust you."

"What?" I blinked, as his meaning filtered through. Back after the execution of the traitor, back when the secrets were still secret. "...Yes. I did," I admitted slowly.

"Will you still?" he breathed, never taking his eyes off the screen.

"All right," I allowed, and then paused. "But things have changed. Now there's a condition attached."

His eyes slid closed. "Name it."

"Now, I ask questions, and you answer them," I dared, nearly holding my breath. I had to count on his seeming desire to talk, in order to get what I needed to get before it was too late. It was the same sinking feeling of anticipation I'd felt when I'd convinced Duo to talk to me; the nagging urgency that time was running out.

A long moment of silence, so long I thought I'd pushed too far, before he finally spoke. "...All right."

I pulled up a chair next to him and settled into it, a strange calmness overtaking me. First Wufei, then Duo, then Trowa, and finally Heero had given me their confessions. That would be the end of it, then; I would have the final piece in my hands. And after that... well, Allah would provide new questions then, I had no doubt.

There was only one real question to ask, the one I had been simmering over ever since Duo had turned Trowa's gun against him. I could hypothesize for the rest of the century about the answer, but as with all of this kind of questions, only one person could know for sure. "Why didn't you order the raid on Dixon base when you first received the report that confirmed Duo was there?"

He answered immediately. "Dixon base was too heavily staffed and guarded. The losses suffered from an operation would be unacceptable for the retrieval of a single person."

I wanted to swear at him, I really did. But I had absolutely no doubts that Trowa, Wufei, and Duo had already used enough epithets to fill a small dictionary, and they hadn't worked yet. So I kept my voice level and my posture still. "No, Heero," I told him in a tone that brooked no argument. "The soldier is not big enough for you to hide this behind. I know that you have a mind; what's more, I know that you have a heart and a soul. I have seen them. So. Why didn't you order the raid on Dixon when you knew that Duo was there?"

Re: Torn 6

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Heero slowly moved his hand over the keyboard; but his eyes were glazed and unfocused. I waited, patiently, until finally he turned and looked at me -- at last, he really looked at me! -- and said, "Dixon base was too heavily staffed and guarded. The cost of such an operation would be too high."

The words were the same as before, but the tone behind them was real. There was more than that. "My training told me that such a raid was out of the question. So many soldiers depended on me, on my judgment, on my leadership. When I heard the report that someone, possibly Duo, had been found, I didn't want to wait for the confirmation report. I wanted to go right then, right away, on a rumor, without plans or backup. No soldier would ever go on an operation so poorly planned... I had to wait. And then I realized that I could not be objective on the matter. I couldn't think straight, all I could think of was Duo. Logic told me that I could not stage the raid. How could I expect to command men when I could not control myself? How could I defeat the enemy when I could not defeat my own weakness? And how could I expect soldiers to fight for me -- to be willing to lose their lives and families and loved ones -- if I was willing to sacrifice them for the sake of one man, just because that one man happened to be special to me?

"My mission, then, was clear. I had to leave Duo."

I was struggling against tears when he finished; struggling against the pain of Heero's misconceptions. "How could you, Heero? How could you imagine that -- that your men wouldn't follow you? Even if it wasn't you asking, not a man on this base who's met Duo Maxwell wouldn't have traded their lives for his!"

No reply.

After a minute, when the tears had gone down, I could talk again. "So why," I began; swallowed, then tried again. "Why did you raid Dixon for the purpose of retrieving Duo, two weeks after deciding you would do no such thing?"

Heero seemed to be struggling with the answer. Finally, he looked away, then muttered, "I had a dream."

"What?" I couldn't believe what I just heard.

"December seventh," he said, still in the same flat monotone, still turned away from me. "That night I dreamed... that I entered the base on a solo raid, and broke Duo out of his prison. He was hurt, horribly hurt, so much I felt sick just looking at him. But still he smiled at me, and spoke to me with soft wonder in his tone. I killed the bastards that had hurt him, and helped him through the base to freedom. Along the way, we had to hide. He made a joke, and smiled again, and suddenly I found myself wondering how I could live without that smile. I... told him things, then. I told him that I missed him, that I needed him, how much it hurt to be without him. I begged him not to leave me, and he promised me he'd stay. He asked me to take him home."

I shivered. It was so cold on this station.

Re: Torn 6

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

"It was so real, when I woke up I expected to see him lying there. I expected to see his smile, to hear his good morning, to be able to tend to his wounds. But it was only a dream, and the emptiness only mocked me. I couldn't stand to wait any longer, not after that. I organized the raid immediately, and I pushed things as fast as I could, even though I knew it meant that I would fail my mission. I made myself a new mission; to make the dream into a reality."

As he talked, one hand rested on the computer, not typing any longer, just keeping it there. Neither of us were prepared for the sudden explosion, for the harsh crackle of lightning or the bright explosion of sparks. Dark smoke plumed from the piece of machinery as both of us jerked away from it; more smoke than was natural, it filled the air and dimmed the light. No, that wasn't the smoke, it was the lights themselves. Dimming, dying. And it was too cold; my breath frosted into clouds.

But -- I realized with a sinking feeling of dread -- not Heero's. Not Heero's.

He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room, away from the electrical fire, into the corridor. It was dark there, too, and we could faintly hear sirens and claxons going off in the distance. In the hallway, Heero grabbed onto my shoulders, leaned in to my ear and began to speak again. "We reached the base --"

"Heero!" I shouted, clutching at his shoulders, panic overwhelming me. "Heero, it's Duo -- it has to be! We can't talk about this now --"

"We have to." His voice was urgent, but resigned. "I don't have much time left --"

"--we have to do something, stop him!"

"There's nothing you can do, Quatre, except listen! I can't hold on for much longer!"

I stood, stunned, and he seemed to take my silence for acquiescence; he struggled on. "We did the run as planned. It was a mess. There were... casualties. Not as many as I thought there would be. But too many. We secured the base. Found where they kept the prisoner, brought in the doctors. Opened the hole they kept him in and brought him out. He was, he was worse than in my nightmare. His hair... they cut off his hair. He was so thin. So tiny. Broken. And then I realized that he wasn't moving." His hands clutched at my shoulders, and he sank to his knees. His grip was so tight, and my legs so unsteady, that I went to the floor with him. A trickle of blood ran out of the side of his mouth; he ignored it. "And then, and then... I knew I had failed him, failed myself, failed my mission, failed my men, failed everything. Everything. Do you understand, Quatre? It was never your fault -- it was never anyone's fault but mine --" He choked and coughed, and when he blinked a drop of blood ran from the corner of his eye like a tear. His eyes no longer focused on me, and his movements became sluggish, uncoordinated. His hand reached out, groping blindly, and I automatically caught it in my own. He tried to speak once more, blood spilling from his mouth. "Tell Wufei -- take over -- tell Duo -- tell him that I --"

Through his hand, I felt it hit him. He convulsed once, and it passed to me; it surrounded me like a tidal wave, drowning me, battering down walls I never even knew I had. I tried to let go of his hand, but it was much too late, as everything that made up Heero Yuy was torn away into darkness.

And took me with him.

Re: Torn 6

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

When I became aware again, at first I didn't realize that anything had changed. I was lying on the ground in a dark cold place, the same as before; the only difference was that the distant sound of sirens had stopped.

"Heero?" I muttered, as I pushed myself up, still groggy. I couldn't see him anywhere in the immediate vicinity; had someone come and taken him away? And if so, why had they left me behind? I focused against the darkness, and reached out to try and find the corridor wall to orient myself.

My hand met nothing but empty space, and a sudden dread crawled down my spine as I realized that I was no longer in the station hallway. The darkness was clinging, oppressive, but not absolute; I could see a little way into the dimness that stretched out over the flat ground in all directions. The sky was a solid mass of black churning clouds, and if there was any light behind them it never showed through. What little illumination there was came from below, and underlit the clouds just enough to show that they were there. It was very unsettling.

"Heero...?" I repeated, a little louder, a little less certain. I examined the evidence, and sorted through the alternatives. One, I did not remember being taken off the base back to Earth. Two, this didn't look like any place on Earth anyway. Three, I was almost certainly not dreaming -- although there was a qualifier or two on that one. Four, my last memory was of the unnatural convulsions that struck Heero, and through my Spaceheart, me. Finally, the last time I had experienced anything remotely like this was the time I had unwittingly entered Heero's mind.

Conclusion? That was where I was again. It had to be.

This wasn't exactly like the first time, though. I patted myself down; it certainly felt like I was actually there, and solid. And the landscape was much more clearly defined than last time. Nor could I hear Heero's thoughts...

As if in response to that, a whisper seemed to brush against the back of my neck. I actually jumped, and whirled around like a scalded cat, but there was nothing there. A strange tingle like ghostly laughter ran up my spine, and I shivered. This was beyond unreal...

Slowly, I started walking. I wasn't sure which direction I was going, but then again, it probably didn't matter. This wasn't a real place, so whichever way I tried to go, I would almost certainly end up in the same place. Sooner or later I would have to find Heero...

Or Duo.

Re: Torn 6

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

My breath shortened a little at the thought, and I swore I could hear echoes of Duo's screaming fury in my ears. What, I wondered apprehensively, would I do if I came face to face with Duo again? Somehow I didn't think I could talk my way out of that situation...

A movement out of the corner of my vision caught my attention. I strained against the darkness; it seemed to grow stronger as I tried to focus on the figure at the center of it. It was a human figure, seated on the ground with his legs curled up to his chest. As I cautiously approached, I felt waves of cold wash over me, each pulse centering at the kneeling figure. The darkness, too, acted like a living thing, dancing and writhing about the person in a shadowy aura before dissipating into the surrounding area. By the time I got close enough to make out the details, I wasn't at all surprised to see that it was Heero. As though the wind had shifted, I suddenly heard his voice.

"...I failed my mission to save him, so all I could do was fight the war. It wasn't enough any more, even if I did everything perfectly, it wasn't ever enough. Everything brought me back to the one thing, that he was gone and he was never coming back. I missed Duo, wanted Duo, needed Duo, hungered for Duo, searched for Duo in everything I did but I never found him, only emptiness. It got bad, then it got worse. I shouldn't have scattered the ashes. There wasn't even a grave I could go to, all I could do was stare into outer space and see my own reflection."

He didn't look up as I closed the distance; I couldn't tell if he was talking to me, or just to himself and the darkness.

"Finally, I thought of his braid. It was ridiculous, really; no doubt it had been destroyed before we ever came to the base. But I couldn't let go of the thought; I became obsessed with it. I didn't tell anyone about the search programs I set up; I had to pretend that nothing was wrong. And I did. Until the day that I found it, until the day that one of my agents reported seeing an object of that description in Lady Une's trophy collection. Until the day that he brought it to me in a box on my desk."

"Heero?" I ventured. He looked up at me -- his eyes were jet black. His voice faded out a moment, then back again, and I realized his mouth wasn't moving.

"I didn't open the box all that day. But that night I took it back to my quarters, and opened it, and looked at it. Somehow it just made everything come crashing down, then. I thought I heard a voice next to me, trying to tell me something, but I didn't want to listen. All I could do was call for him, wish for him, I needed him so badly. I thought the hole inside me could swallow all the Colonies and Earth and never be filled. And then he was there. I couldn't see him, but I felt him. I knew he was there... Ever since then he's taken more and more. More time, more control. I couldn't stop him and I didn't want to -- I needed him to be there that much. Until the day I left the laptop in his room, and he found out. From that moment on it was only a matter of time."

The disembodied voice finished its narration, and fell silent. After a moment, I swallowed, then tried again to speak.

"This... this is what you've been feeling? All this time?" I made a vague gesture around. "This cold, this darkness, this... desolation?"

Re: Torn 6

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

He didn't speak again, but moved his head in what could have been a nod of agreement. I looked around, suddenly wondering something; the last time I'd been here, it had been utterly dark. Now there was some light. I tried to focus on it, to figure out the source; the bleak landscape was the same in all directions, but the light was stronger from one. It was... familiar. A sudden inspiration struck me.

"That light..." My breath caught. "Is that Duo?"

He shrugged.

"By Allah..." I couldn't pull my eyes away from that distant, flickering glimmer. It reminded me of the light coming off a forest fire; as if in response to the thought, a sudden wind tore at me. It was hot, too hot to breathe, and it fought with the pervasive chill for several long seconds before dying away. Heero bent his head; he was shaking, and his eyes were closed as if in intense concentration. Slowly, the cold returned, and the light darkened away again.

"Heero," I said, and my voice was shaking, "why are you fighting against the light?"

Heero looked at me. He remained silent, but after a moment he moved his hand from its tight grip on his knees. He could only raise it a few inches before it stopped, and I could see the iron manacle on his wrist. The chain on it ran into the ground and disappeared.

"Did..." I had to swallow, and tear my eyes away from the chain. "Did you do that?"

He shook his head. His voice echoed in my ears; "more time... more control." I couldn't tell if it was only my memory, or another strange aspect of this mindscape. Either way, the implications of the statement were giving me a really bad feeling about this place...

This was Heero's mind. Which meant that Duo was around here somewhere, and whatever he was doing, he was getting stronger at it. And considering his emotional state the last time I saw him, the 'whatever' wasn't likely to be particularly pleasant. I looked back at Heero, at the halo of darkness that surrounded and protected him; every muscle was clenched and knotted as he fought this war of dominion for his own mind.

Re: Torn 6

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

Another burst of phantom laughter sounded behind me, and a ghostly echo followed in its wake. "Hey, love, it's all right," whispered the memory of a voice. "We have a fight coming tomorrow, and you're going to leave bruises if you don't let me go. Loosen up a bit, koi. I'm not going anywhere, I promise..."

The blurry image of a familiar form wavered into existence for a moment, leaning over Heero to touch his hair tenderly, but a sudden gust of hot wind tore the apparition into nothingness. Memories... instinctively, I backed away; somehow I was intruding on something too powerful and too private. Kind of ridiculous, really; invading someone else's mind in the first place is about as violating as it can get, but I wasn't exactly doing it on purpose.

I heard a sound behind me, almost like a footstep, and for the third time I turned around in startled response. I wasn't expecting there to be anyone behind me; I certainly wasn't expecting to see a child.

The kid was only about seven years old, and incredibly grubby, but there was no mistaking his identity. Not with that hair, the braid already a foot and a half long. Not with those eyes, huge pools of violet fixed on me with a mixture of fear and hope.

"Are you an angel?" Duo whispered. His tongue darted out to lick his lips, and his hand twisted nervously at his braid. "Sister Helen said that when we die, an angel comes to take us to heaven. But I haven't seen any angels, just a lot of soldiers, and the kids from the street..." He shuddered, and his eyes darted over my form and back to my face. "You haven't tried to hurt me yet. You have to be an angel."

Cautiously, I took a step towards him, trying to act as non-threatening as possible. His eyes widened, and he took a pace back again. I tried speech. "No, Duo, I'm afraid I'm not an angel, but I won't hurt you..."

His face fell. "I knew you couldn't be," he muttered, wrapping his thin arms around himself. "Angels only come for good kids. I'm not a good kid. I did something bad, I must have, I must have done something..."

"Duo?" I tried to take another step forward; like before, I didn't actually seem to move. Before my eyes, the image of the child Duo had been was shifting, blurring, twisting into something taller and leaner. Older. He ignored me now; he didn't even seem to know I was there any longer.

Re: Torn 6

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

"You said I was a good kid, Sister Helen, but you were wrong. If I had been good I wouldn't have killed you. You -- Father -- Solo -- it was all my fault, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have killed you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I deserve to be punished, I know..." His eyes darted back and forth in the blackness, addressing ghosts that only he could see. The wind, which had died down for a moment, began to rise again; it carried a taint of sulfur.

All the time he spoke, Duo continued to grow; by this time he was age twelve or so, looking much more like the teenager I knew. His voice, which had started out near a whisper, grew steadily stronger in time with the wind. "You were right, Father, you were right -- sinners go to Hell. I've sinned, I've killed so many people -- people I never even knew. So much blood. Too much. No more. Please, God, I don't care if you send me to Hell or not -- just let me finish fighting the war. I know I'm damned, I don't care any more -- just let it have been worth something. Anything. Let there have been a reason for all this suffering, don't let me damn my soul for nothing, please!"

He was screaming by the time he finished, and the ground behind him burst into flame. The roar of the bonfire overwhelmed my ears; the searing light drove away the darkness, the heat burned through the last of the chill. I heard a slight sound behind me, and turned to see Heero; digging the heels of his hand into his eyes, his jaw was clenched, and his body shook as he struggled. Slowly, the fire died; the scorching heat abated and the tongues of flame sank to glowing embers. Duo didn't seem to notice this as he dropped to his knees, shuddering, bangs falling forward to hide his face. He was fully grown, now, as old as he would ever get to be.

"Duo!" I shouted, trying to move towards him, but the lingering heat drove me back again. "Stop, Duo, listen to me, please! Don't do this to yourself --"

"Do this to myself?" he repeated softly, and for a moment my heart leapt at the possibility that he was actually listening to me. Then he slowly raised his head and locked gazes with me, and the hatred and fury boiling in them seethed in time with the smoldering remains of the fire. "To MYSELF? I was the one that used me? I was the one that betrayed me? I was the one that KILLED me? I don't -- fucking -- think -- so!"

Re: Torn 6

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

With eyes full of fire, he looked for the first time towards the other pilot still seated unmoving on the black ground. His lips curled back into a snarl of pure hatred, and his voice lashed out like a whip and burned like acid. I could feel it, feel the malice driving the words even though their hate wasn't directed at me. "Heero Yuy. Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier. Heero Yuy, the machine. It wasn't enough that you led me on, to think that we were friends. Oh no. It wasn't enough that you fucked me every night after you were done killing for the day. It wasn't enough that you left me to die, no, but you had to call me back again and strip away any pathetic dream I ever had that you might have loved me! You wouldn't let me go, you wouldn't let me go, you locked me away in the darkness like your very own personal whore. But no more. I am sick of this place, I am sick of living, I am sick of fighting for every moment of the real world I can see. No more. This is the end, Heero Yuy, and if you will not let me go, then I will not let you go either. I'm going to hell, Heero. And you are coming with me."

The soldier sat there, unmoving, unresponsive. In growing horror, I stared between Duo and Heero, and desperately plunged ahead. "Duo, no --"

"Get out of here, Quatre," Duo said from between his teeth, never taking his eyes off Heero. The air between them began to shimmer as the two boys engaged in a furious, if silent, contest of wills. In the distance, a red flickering light began to grow.

"After what you just said? I can't --"

"Get OUT," he repeated, voice rising. "If you stay you'll get hurt."

The ground was beginning to shake, subtly, under my feet. The wind was screaming at a steady pace by now, scorching blasts of an air that felt like they came directly out of a furnace. I turned to Heero, to try one last time. "Heero, for Allah's sake, won't you even listen to me? Didn't you hear a word he just said? Please, you have to let him go -- you have to let him go before it's too late!" The light was growing, the wind brought it; I could see the fire racing across the blackened plane. "Please!"

He looked at me, his eyes bottomless depths of shadows. He spoke, and his voice was already the voice of a dead man.

"I would rather spend an eternity in Hell with Duo than one more day without him."

I stared at him, mouth hanging open; before I even realized what was happening, the world began to blur and fade around me. "Heero --"

"I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT!" Duo shrieked, flames springing up around him, matching the deadly bonfire sweeping across the black plain to engulf the three of us faster than the blink of an eye. "SO GET OUT!"

Re: Torn 6

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

The black plain, the two dead men on it, the fire, fell away into a blank void. No color, no sound, no sensation -- neither heat nor cold. I couldn't even feel my own body, and began to panic. Desperately, I struggled to reach something, anything -- better to face the conflagration of Duo's rage than this nothingness. I screamed out, into the emptiness, and could not even hear my own voice.

Then, I felt something -- like a gentle tugging on my arm. I heard a distant voice saying my name, a voice so full of anguish and loss that I had to go to it at once, to comfort the source of that voice. I saw a light, not the dim scorching of firelight, but gentle yellow light

as the light went suddenly dim, as something blocked it out. It took me a moment to recognize the silhouette, the figure bending over me; as it moved, I blinked and tried to follow it. The soft gasp of an indrawn breath sounded from the silhouette, at even that slight motion that I made. "He's awake..." the voice cried out, full of hope and fear. "Wufei, he moved!"

"I saw," a second voice answered; the familiar dry humor was tempered with pain and exhaustion. I blinked again, and managed to bring the scene into focus.

I was lying on a rather uncomfortable white bed in the medical wing; the overhead lighting was not the familiar white halogen, but a dimmer yellow light usually associated with backup systems. Trowa and Wufei were standing on either side of my bed; Wufei was leaning on the guardrail with the arm that wasn't in a sling. His face was white and drawn, but there were no machines attached to him. Trowa looked almost as bad, his features ravished by anguish. Tear tracks streaked his face, but his beautiful emerald eyes were bright with joy and relief. "Quatre!" he cried, voice full of tender concern. "Little one, are you all right?"

On the second try, I managed to get my voice to work. "...Yes," I made out, and cleared my throat. "I'm fine. I just had... the strangest out-of-body experience in my life... but I'm all right."

A wavering smile crossed Trowa's face, and then he abruptly broke down into a shuddering sob and gathered me into his arms. "Thank God," he whispered into my shoulder, tears leaking from his eyes. "You wouldn't wake up, I didn't know what was wrong, but you didn't wake up and I felt so helpless, oh God I thought I lost you..."

"Shh, love, it's all right," I told him softly, reaching up to return his embrace. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise..."