Goodbye LJ...
Feb. 20th, 2006 06:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
windandwaterThis is just to make it official for those who don't know, but I'm leaving LJ completely. For the rest of this week at least. Tomorrow is the Bar Exam and it runs for three days, so don't expect to see me about at all until Thursday night. Or even until the weekend since I plan on spending Thursday after the Bar drunk and crying. No online time for me at all. *whines* It will be hard, but I know I can do it.
So, because I'm a total h0r like that, I am declaring this to be a spam post. Go ahead. Run wild! Give me fics, give me links, give me pics, just babble to your heart's content and rape my inbox so I have something to see when I finally DO come back to the wonderful world of LJ. I don't even care if you write me a drabble and post it one word at a time. XD;
Though, I've tried to make a spam post before and it failed a bit miserably, so I don't have very high expectations this time around. Feel free to prove me wrong though!
♥
So, because I'm a total h0r like that, I am declaring this to be a spam post. Go ahead. Run wild! Give me fics, give me links, give me pics, just babble to your heart's content and rape my inbox so I have something to see when I finally DO come back to the wonderful world of LJ. I don't even care if you write me a drabble and post it one word at a time. XD;
Though, I've tried to make a spam post before and it failed a bit miserably, so I don't have very high expectations this time around. Feel free to prove me wrong though!
♥
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:51 am (UTC)"Understandable," Heero said after a moment, and Duo breathed a small sigh of relief. But, unexpectedly, Heero continued to speak. "But I would like to know your reasons why."
"Why what?"
"Why you fight," Heero said patiently. "From the things you said, it's clear to me that you weren't raised to be a soldier, as I was. Why did you choose to pilot the Gundam? It's not a decision to be made lightly, or rashly. I would like to know why."
Duo sighed. "Look, why do you wanna know, anyway?" he said, a hint of pain in his voice. "It's a really long story, and it's... complicated."
"We're not going anywhere," Heero reminded him. He folded his arms in a pointed gesture of stubbornness.
"All right, all right!" Duo said in exasperation. "You win! I'll tell you, okay?"
Heero settled back, not pushing him any further, and waited patiently. Duo's brow furrowed as he frowned, obviously thinking carefully about what he wanted to say. Just before Heero would have prompted him again, Duo sighed. "I guess," he said, "it begins with the church.
"I'm a war orphan. There are lots of them on L2, too many for the colony government to provide for. There's not enough space in the orphanages, so most of us ended up out of the streets and in gangs. We would steal food to eat, so I guess in a sense I've been training in stealth since I could walk. If we stole from the other colonists, the occupying Alliance troops didn't care, but there was never enough, so one day we tried stealing from the military base instead. They cared a whole lot more then, and the next day they went into the slums and started taking apart our old lair.
"We were lucky. A local priest, Father Maxwell, agreed to take us in. That's where I got my name, y'know. I didn't have a last name, so they just called me Duo of Maxwell Church." A smile played about his lips, of fond memories. "They found homes for the other orphans, but not me. I was too much of a trouble maker." He grinned, and Heero could easily believe it.
"So, the Church became my home." Duo sighed. "I was only there for a little while, but I was happy there. The nun who lived there was like a mother to me, and Father Maxwell, well, you'll never find a better man. He was even going to help me to..." He trailed off, and the smile faded.
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:51 am (UTC)His breath caught on the end of that word, and suddenly Heero remembered the name he had only half-recognized before. Maxwell. Maxwell Church. Maxwell Church Massacre.
"And the damned Alliance bombed the place to the ground." Duo's eyes were hard as stone, voice devoid of anything except anger. Heero sat back, dismayed. This was not what he had expected to hear.
"So, you fight to get revenge?" he said slowly. It made sense, but it wasn't really what he'd expected. It didn't seem like a good reason to him.
"No!" Duo denied hotly, eyes widening, before he dropped them aside. "Partly," he said in a softer voice.
"What's the rest of it, then?"
"Ah, shit," Duo groaned, and looked miserable. "Look, it's a stupid reason, okay? It doesn't make sense."
Emotions never made sense either, thought Heero. And if the reason to fight was one of emotion, then that would explain why he was missing both. He leaned forward, across the plastic between them, until his face was only inches from Duo's. "Tell me anyway," he said quietly.
Duo grumbled something Heero couldn't quite catch, but it sounded unfriendly. Then, aloud, he said, "It's because I wanted to become bigger than Death, okay?"
Heero thought about it. It made no sense. "What do you mean?" he asked.
Duo sighed. "It's just... when the attack came, I couldn't do anything to stop it. I felt helpless. I didn't like that feeling. When I..." He trailed off, biting his lip, then plunged ahead. "When I was really little, some people who were very important to me... got sick and died. I wanted to be a doctor, the best doctor there ever was, so that I could stop people from getting sick." He closed his eyes. "Father Maxwell was going to help me. He said that it was a good choice, that I had a talent for helping people. But then he died, too, and I couldn't help him. I wanted to stop soldiers from killing innocent people, ever again. I wanted to be bigger than war, so that what happened to
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:51 am (UTC)His breath caught on the end of that word, and suddenly Heero remembered the name he had only half-recognized before. Maxwell. Maxwell Church. Maxwell Church Massacre.
"And the damned Alliance bombed the place to the ground." Duo's eyes were hard as stone, voice devoid of anything except anger. Heero sat back, dismayed. This was not what he had expected to hear.
"So, you fight to get revenge?" he said slowly. It made sense, but it wasn't really what he'd expected. It didn't seem like a good reason to him.
"No!" Duo denied hotly, eyes widening, before he dropped them aside. "Partly," he said in a softer voice.
"What's the rest of it, then?"
"Ah, shit," Duo groaned, and looked miserable. "Look, it's a stupid reason, okay? It doesn't make sense."
Emotions never made sense either, thought Heero. And if the reason to fight was one of emotion, then that would explain why he was missing both. He leaned forward, across the plastic between them, until his face was only inches from Duo's. "Tell me anyway," he said quietly.
Duo grumbled something Heero couldn't quite catch, but it sounded unfriendly. Then, aloud, he said, "It's because I wanted to become bigger than Death, okay?"
Heero thought about it. It made no sense. "What do you mean?" he asked.
Duo sighed. "It's just... when the attack came, I couldn't do anything to stop it. I felt helpless. I didn't like that feeling. When I..." He trailed off, biting his lip, then plunged ahead. "When I was really little, some people who were very important to me... got sick and died. I wanted to be a doctor, the best doctor there ever was, so that I could stop people from getting sick." He closed his eyes. "Father Maxwell was going to help me. He said that it was a good choice, that I had a talent for helping people. But then he died, too, and I couldn't help him. I wanted to stop soldiers from killing innocent people, ever again. I wanted to be bigger than war, so that what happened to
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:52 am (UTC)His voice trailed off into a whisper for the last words, and he stopped, closing his eyes tightly as though to block out some vision. Heero leaned back slightly, a little shocked and startled.
Heero wasn't saying anything. Duo sighed. "Look, just forget about it, okay? It's stupid..."
"I think it's a very good reason," Heero said.
Duo blinked, and his mouth dropped open. "You do?"
Heero nodded, and Duo's eyes widened at the expression on his face. He looked -- vulnerable, almost, and when he spoke, there was a note of hesitant uncertainty in his voice. "I think... that it's better to have a reason, like that... than to fight for nothing at all," he said.
"For nothing at all? What do you mean?" Duo asked.
Heero looked up at him, and met his eyes. "That's a better way to fight," he said quietly. "Because you care about what you're fighting for. I... was not supposed to care. I wasn't supposed to fight for any reason except that they told me to. But... when I fight, people... they... get hurt."
"Heero," Duo said softly. "That's not your fault. This is war, and people get hurt. Much as we'd like them too, the people who get hurt aren't always the ones doing the fighting. It sucks, but it's not all your fault."
Heero shook his head. "You don't understand," he said, quiet anger in his voice. "I know that people get hurt when I fight. But I'm not... do you see... I'm not supposed to care that people get hurt. You're allowed to care, you're even supposed to, because caring about people is the reason you fight. Me, I don't have a reason. I don't have anything."
He finished, and hung his head. He'd said too much, he knew it, things that were too close to the secret, forbidden heart of his doubts. What was worse, he had told Duo that he didn't care about those he killed. Surely, Duo would think him as bad as the soldiers who had destroyed his beloved Church -- but it wasn't true. He was even worse than them.
The touch on his arm surprised him, and he looked up to find Duo's face leaning in close. His expression was soft and sympathetic, with a hint of anger behind it, but the anger was not directed at Heero. "That's not true," he said quietly. "You don't have nothing. Not as long as you've got friends."
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:52 am (UTC)"Sure you do." Duo smiled, not just the wicked smirks that Heero was familiar, but a real, warm smile. "You've got me, after all. And as for why, well, hell, I don't really have a reason. I just like you. You're a bastard, a cold-hearted, unfriendly, antisocial, masochistic --"
"Hey," Heero objected to this growing list with a frown, but Duo's smile only widened.
"--stuck up son-of-a-bitch, but I like you," Duo finished, smirking openly at Heero. Heero glared at him, but it didn't seem to put a dent in his pleased expression, and he couldn't seem to hold the glare.
"Yes, well," and Heero paused, thinking. "You're also an undisciplined, talkative, irresponsible, hotheaded idiot..."
Duo lost his smirk very fast.
"...but I guess I like you," Heero finished off, acquiring a tiny smirk of his own.
Duo's grin returned full force. He stuck out his arm, holding up his hand like he was preparing to arm wrestle. "Friends?" he offered.
Heero nodded, and took hold of his hand in a mirrored pose. "Hai. Friends."
Friends. It was a good thing, that set well in his mind and heart. He spent a long time that night watching Duo's sleeping face and wondering what more there might have been, if not for this.
In the early morning hours, he must have drifted off to sleep, because he opened his eyes to find Duo looking at him. He realized that Duo had captured one of his hands in his own while Heero had slept, and was running his thumb over Heero's knuckles in a gentle motion.
He looked up into Duo's eyes. He couldn't see their color, in the dark, but the dim light reflected off his pale skin and silvered his eyes. He felt moved to speak, his voice carrying over the endless sound of the waves "You know, you've done something terrible to me, Duo. You've made me want to live again. I want a life, and I want a life with you in it."
Duo stiffened his back, eyes widening as they met with Heero's and saw the absolute truth in them. Heero half-smiled, an unaccustomed expression for him. "When the war is over, that is."
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:52 am (UTC)He hesitated, then, and Heero looked at him questioningly. Face a little red from the awkwardness, despite all that had happened, Duo move towards him, his hand hovering over Heero's collarbone. Understanding the unspoken request, Heero pulled Duo towards him, and he came, settling against Heero like they had always been that way. Satisfaction.
He felt a strange coolness against his collarbone, and pulled back, startled. It had come from Duo. Salt water filled his eyes, and when he blinked they rolled down to meld into the salt water ocean. It was beautiful, but Heero didn't like it at all. Duo met his eyes once, but then looked down, as if ashamed.
"Are you afraid?" Heero asked. It seemed to make sense to him; Duo was such a life-loving person, why shouldn't he fear losing it to the cold silence of death? But Duo shook his head no, the motion causing tears to spill over down his cheeks. "Then what's wrong?"
"I'm just mad!" Duo blurted out, his voice rising sharply before he cut it off. "I knew when I chose to pilot my Gundam that I probably wasn't gonna live through the war, but, dammit, this isn't how I wanted to end it! I wanted to die fighting, making a difference, not forgotten out here by God and everybody while I have to watch another friend die too."
"I didn't think I would ever get a chance to be cared for," Heero said quietly. "I always thought that I would die unmourned, in the fulfillment of my missions. I even looked forward to it. I accepted each new mission eagerly, hoping that this one would be the one where I could give my life for the cause."
After a pause, he continued. "But I don't want that any more. I don't want to die, but if I do have to die, then I'd rather it would be in the presence of someone who would cry for me."
"It's just not fair," Duo whispered, eyes closed sending tears down his cheeks. "That we'll never get a chance to finish it. That I won't be able to fight any more, that I can't stop them from doing what they're doing to the Colonies. That I'm never going to have a home and a family and-and a dog. That we're never going to live past sixteen." His voice wavered, and dropped slightly. "That I'll never get a chance to know you, or to fight by you..."
Heero's eyes remained dry, but he swallowed hard against the lump in his throat as he pulled Duo's head down against his collarbone. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I'm sorry that it happened this way."
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:52 am (UTC)Then, "Ne, Heero?" he said softly.
"Hai, Duo?" Heero said, equally soft.
"Do you think..." Duo hesitated, and tried again. "Do you think that if this hadn't happened, if we hadn't ended out here alone together... d'you think we would have become friends anyway?"
Heero thought about it, for a long time, and then he said slowly, "No, Duo. I don't think we would have."
"Me neither," Duo sighed.
Then, he pushed himself off Heero's chest, and smiled a little. "Then, I guess I'm not so sorry after all."
Time went too quickly, and too slowly, after that. They didn't do much, just floated there in each other's arms with nothing left to say. Duo talked a bit, of things of no consequence, but a lethargy was quickly taking hold of him and he soon fell into silence. Towards sunset, he dropped into a doze, not a proper sleep, but an almost trance-like state from which he did not waken. Heero held him, and felt; a little anger, still, that Duo had wasted all the water on him and taken none for himself, and a little anger that Duo was going on ahead and leaving here here. Mostly, though, he just felt as though he could weep.
After the sun set, the stars came out, but Heero didn't see them, only blurry reflections of starlight in the water. He just stared at the flickering, dim-cool lights, until finally it occurred to him that he couldn't see them anymore.
Suddenly, his senses came back onto the alert, and he lifted his head. The weather was changing. The gentle, udulating waves were changing into something shorter, choppier, though not dangerously so as they had been the night of the storm. The wind had shifted direction, becoming brisker and more certain of its path. A surge of excitement went through Heero briefly, no words, just a sudden and half-coherent burst of emotion.
A gust of wind pushed at him from behind, and on a sudden desicion he kicked his legs strongly and swam with it. At the worst he would exhaust himself to no
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:52 am (UTC)The wind kept up, and he went on swimming, with it to help, for what felt like an eternity. Everything around him was dark, even the starlight swallowed by the water, but he went on pushing blindly ahead, his heart in his mouth. He was pushing the edges of his limits, he could feel it, but he did let himself slow.
Finally, dawn split the air, a pale light flashing over the horizon and spattering against the waves. He peered forward into the lightening sky, and nearly shouted aloud. Ahead of him, still low and indistinct, was a dark rolling mass that could only be land.
The wind was dropping off, but he no longer needed it; the exhaustion could not drag him down with the sight of his goal so close at hand. He was panting, muscles shaking with the effort to drive himself and Duo's limp body through the water.
The last hundred feet were the hardest, somehow; the flow of the water suddenly turned back, and abruptly Heero found himself bathed by an unexpected warmth. His skin had grown accustomed to the chill water of the open ocean, and the warmer water over the shelf felt almost like a shock. As he approached shore, the water got rougher as the waves became surf. With a growl, he peeled himself away from the piece of shattered plastic they had clung to for the last three days, and shoved it away from him, pushing towards shore with Duo in his arms. The crate corner floundered, caught in the rougher undertow, tipped upwards, and then sank under the surface. Heero ignored it.
Duo stirred a bit in his arms as the water hit him up to his neck, but he couldn't spare the time or attention to make sure Duo's head was above the water as he struggled through the rough breaking surf. Once, a wave overwhelmed them, and when he pushed back to the surface Duo was coughing and sputtering beneath him. But by that time, the water was shallowing quickly, and Heero felt an almost painful shock as his feet hit solid ground for the first time in more than eighty hours. The feelings ran up his legs like electrical currents as he put weight on them, his own and Duo's.
Duo's eyes opened, his expression registering confusion. "Heero?" he said, and then had to cough at the saltwater in his throat. He swallowed, almost painfully, and his dazed eyes shifted around, taking in the situation. "Heero, what happened? Are we dead?"
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:52 am (UTC)"What?" Shock entered Duo's voice, and with a bit more energy, he moved in Heero's grip, pulling himself up to stare around. "We made it?"
"That's right," Heero whispered. "We're going to live. We're going to live today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and all through this damn war and a hundred years after that. I promise you, we will survive together, and fight together, and we'll damn well win this war together."
Duo made a sharp sound in his thoat, half exultant and half fearing. Slowly, he untangled from Heero's arms and dropped to the wet sand, and they both crept up the sharp-sloping beach. When at last they passed the high-tide mark, they stopped and leaned against each other, Duo trembling from cold, Heero from exertion. The air was colder on land than it had been over the ocean, and a sharp sea breeze blew at them. Duo lifted his face into it, blinking as the wind whipped strands of his loose hair into his eyes.
"What if we don't?" he said, half hope and half fear. "You know how much is against us. The odds of one of us... or both of us..."
His shivers intensified, the water dripping off him and carrying his heat away with it. He cross his arms tightly over his chest, hunching over. A grip on his shoulder surprised him, and he looked up to see Heero, kneeling in the sand beside him, pulling him to sit upright. "Then we won't have lost anything," the soldier whispered fiercely, and Duo had to turn his head to look out over the ocean they had come from, and nearly died in.
Duo leaned against Heero's warmth, his body was weak but his mind was clear. "I guess not," he said softly. "Everbody dies sooner or later... there's no use in being afraid of it. And at least... if I die beside you..." He trailed off.
"Then what?" Heero asked him.
Duo turned his head back to look out at the sunrise. "Then I'll be in the best of company."
They rested for an imperceptible time on the beach, and then, as the sun rose and the tide fell, they got up and moved on.
~owari~
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:52 am (UTC)"What?" Shock entered Duo's voice, and with a bit more energy, he moved in Heero's grip, pulling himself up to stare around. "We made it?"
"That's right," Heero whispered. "We're going to live. We're going to live today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and all through this damn war and a hundred years after that. I promise you, we will survive together, and fight together, and we'll damn well win this war together."
Duo made a sharp sound in his thoat, half exultant and half fearing. Slowly, he untangled from Heero's arms and dropped to the wet sand, and they both crept up the sharp-sloping beach. When at last they passed the high-tide mark, they stopped and leaned against each other, Duo trembling from cold, Heero from exertion. The air was colder on land than it had been over the ocean, and a sharp sea breeze blew at them. Duo lifted his face into it, blinking as the wind whipped strands of his loose hair into his eyes.
"What if we don't?" he said, half hope and half fear. "You know how much is against us. The odds of one of us... or both of us..."
His shivers intensified, the water dripping off him and carrying his heat away with it. He cross his arms tightly over his chest, hunching over. A grip on his shoulder surprised him, and he looked up to see Heero, kneeling in the sand beside him, pulling him to sit upright. "Then we won't have lost anything," the soldier whispered fiercely, and Duo had to turn his head to look out over the ocean they had come from, and nearly died in.
Duo leaned against Heero's warmth, his body was weak but his mind was clear. "I guess not," he said softly. "Everbody dies sooner or later... there's no use in being afraid of it. And at least... if I die beside you..." He trailed off.
"Then what?" Heero asked him.
Duo turned his head back to look out at the sunrise. "Then I'll be in the best of company."
They rested for an imperceptible time on the beach, and then, as the sun rose and the tide fell, they got up and moved on.
~owari~
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:53 am (UTC)*wails* Give me a break here! Yes, I know that Duo's a tough li'l bastard, and could probably go a lot longer than this without water before his body started to shut down. But then they would have to be stranded for a week, not three days, and the fic would be too long. There were, um, extenuating circumstances. Er, um, the salt in the water dehydrated him. Yeah.
Re: Three Days
Date: 2006-02-21 04:53 am (UTC)*wails* Give me a break here! Yes, I know that Duo's a tough li'l bastard, and could probably go a lot longer than this without water before his body started to shut down. But then they would have to be stranded for a week, not three days, and the fic would be too long. There were, um, extenuating circumstances. Er, um, the salt in the water dehydrated him. Yeah.