[Fic-shaped thing] GW -- Mail Order
Jan. 27th, 2006 11:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
windandwaterHa! Finished it! And it still counts as today because I haven't gone to bed yet!
Title: Mail Order
Pairing: Heero, Duo and a... thing
Rating: R to NC-17, depending on how raunchy you are
Warnings: Bad humor, boys kissing, descriptions of an active and varied sex life, but no actual sex. Sorry! Also... tentacles. Really. But it's not as scary as it sounds! Honest!
Notes: This is all![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
merith and iniq's faults! They enabled me! Also, this is unbeta-ed. And quite possibly very stupid. You really shouldn't read it at all. Perverts.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heero opened the door to his house after a trying day at Preventers, saw Duo sitting on the sofa with his best 'come-hither' expression, and very nearly walked back out again.
After a moment for his brain to re-process what he was seeing, Heero's second reaction was to stop himself from drawing his gun and shooting the... thing... sitting next to Duo on the sofa. After another few moments for emergency deliberation (one part of his brain said anything with Duo being mostly naked couldn't be bad, the other part of his brain reminded Heero that Duo being mostly naked also led to non-logical thought processes), Heero finally closed the door and faced Duo again. No, what he had seen was not a hallucination.
"Duo, what the hell is that... thing?"
His lover's expression shifted quickly from expectant to confused to surprised to upset and finally settled into something that Heero interpreted as 'sulky' and 'not getting any.' Duo tugged the... thing... up into his lap, arms wrapped around it almost protectively.
"You said that I could buy anything I wanted after you broke the sex swing."
Heero pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, feeling a headache coming on. "One, I meant that you could buy a new sex swing to replace the broken one. And two, you helped me break it."
"No way, Yuy! You're not pinning that one me. I did not break the sex swing, it was all your fault!" Oh yes, Duo's expression was rapidly shifting into the 'annoyed' and 'definitely not getting any' spectrum. This would take some negotiation or else there would be no sex all weekend, and that would just make Duo even more upset, and Heero would probably end up shooting someone. Again. And professional evaluations were coming up.
"I clearly remember when the sex swing broke, Duo, and you featured prominently in that night. I could not forget it."
Duo looked a little bit flattered as he recalled that night as well -- it had been highly enjoyable for both of them until the restraints had snapped -- but Duo quickly shook his head and frowned.
"'Don't worry. This rig is stress-tested to support one thousand pounds of weight. Now just spread your legs wider,'" Duo mocked with a bad imitation of Heero's voice. "Stress-tested, my ass! Literally! You weren't the one who fell out of that thing right before you got to come. You owe me, Heero, and you know it."
"That's why I said you could buy another one!"
There was another quick shake of Duo's head, long braid whipping through the air. "Un uh! Nope! I'm not risking my ass and my neck a second time. And I want this."
Heero's eyes once again focused on the... thing... Duo was cradling in his lap. His lover was actually stroking it rather reverently, and Heero thought that it might be irrational to be jealous of a... of a... what the hell was that... thing anyway?
"You still haven't told me what that is," Heero countered. "It looks--"
"Awesome! I know!" Duo beamed, petting the... thing more. It seemed to stretch and cling to his hand, wrapping around his wrist. Duo didn't notice but Heero did and felt mildly disturbed. "It's the newest thing on the market. Took awhile to get it. I was actually pretty lucky and got my order in right before they stopped takin' them."
With a frown and another aborted movement towards his gun when the... thing... wrapped around Duo's arm, Heero gave Duo a flat look. "You're still not telling me what exactly that... thing is. I'm not letting it near me if I don't know what it is or what it does."
Duo's violet eyes practically snapped sparks. "Heero! Don't say things like that! You'll hurt its feelings!"
"It's SENTIENT?!" Heero shouted, and this time he didn't stop himself from getting his hand around his gun.
"What?! Hey! No! I didn't say that!" Duo returned, flailing the one arm that wasn't currently wrapped up by the... thing. "It's not sentient! Really. Well... not enough to count anyway."
"Not enough to-- Duo! Where did you GET something like that in the first place?" Heero's hand twitched on the grip of his gun, its comfortable weight seeming like the only stable and sane thing in the world at the moment. Maybe he was hallucinating. Maybe he had fallen asleep during one of Une's weekly meetings. Maybe all the paperwork and red tape had buried him and he was in a coma. All of those options seemed more preferable than watching the... thing... stretch up towards Duo's shoulders while his lover paid no heed.
Duo, on the other hand, looked perfectly comfortable with the multi-appendaged... thing... casually molesting him. Duo looked down at it, fingers trailing over the bits wrapped loosely around his neck. "Don't worry, baby," he said softly to the thing in a comforting tone, "Daddy just doesn't appreciate you the way I do."
The words might have been more disturbing if Heero hadn't already overheard Duo speaking in such a manner to Deathscythe in the past. And to his custom hand-built motorcycle. And his favorite handgun. And their favorite pair of gundanium magnetic-locked cuffs. Still, there was only so much Heero could take, and his own answer was to pull out his pistol and snap off the safety.
"Okay, okay. Fine. I give," Duo said, realizing that Heero was reaching his breaking point. "Just promise you'll hear me out before you shoot? This was really expensive and I can't return it."
Heero didn't trust himself to speak without cursing and settled for nodding his head.
"Well, I really was going to look for a new sex swing before I decided I didn't want to risk breaking my neck. So I was looking through a catalogue for something new that we don't already have and found this." Running his free hand through his bangs, Duo grinned. "When I saw it advertised, I knew that I had to get it for us!"
"Duo, it's pornographic!"
"I know! Isn't it great? I always thought L2 had the market cornered for the kinky sex shit," Duo mistook Heero's horrified expression for one of disagreement and went on. "Yeah, yeah, I know L1 has that fetish stuff -- don't forget to pick up the school uniforms from the dry cleaners tomorrow, and make sure they don't overcharge us this time -- but that's L1's problem. You guys specialize too much. But, fuck. L3's got us both beat. You think it's because they're alone on the other side of the LaGrange system?"
"That... thing... came from L3?"
"Well, yeah. I asked Trowa."
Heero glared at Duo. "You mean Trowa knows that you bought that thing? For us? To use? For SEX?"
"Well, of course not, Heero!" Duo exclaimed, looking a little put off. "I don't go around spreading our love life everywhere, you know."
The Japanese man actually felt some relief with his lover's words.
"I asked Quatre for some advice about new toys and he gave me some suggestions. All I did was get the catalogue from Trowa."
Nevermind. That was actually worse.
It was all too much for his brain to process at once. He set the safety back on his gun and holstered it. Wearily, Heero sat down on the other end of the sofa, making sure to keep space between himself and the... thing. He could feel Duo's gaze on him, and could see the concerned expression on Duo's face from the corner of his eye.
"Is this... really bothering you, Heero?" Duo finally asked, still stroking one smooth appendage. Heero deigned to answer and Duo leaned forward. "We don't have to use this now, you know. I just thought it might be fun. There's even an instruction manual but I haven't read it all yet. Just... if it's really a big deal, I can package it up again. Maybe I can get a refund..."
Heero turned towards Duo, taking in his forlorn expression. Even the thing seemed depressed, its appendages hanging limply over Duo's lap and chest.
"You really want to keep this thing?"
"Not if you don't want it," Duo answered. "I should've asked you first but I thought you'd like the surprise and all."
With a deep exhalation, Heero reached over, tugging Duo close against his side. Duo looked surprised, then delighted, and Heero clearly interpreted the expression to mean 'wow you're so totally getting some tonight.' Heero then upgraded the response to 'we're both going to be walking funny tomorrow' after Duo eagerly pressed a kiss to his lips, one that was so hot and wet and all-encompassing that Heero didn't even notice when the thing sprawled to half lie over his own thighs. But once he felt one tentacle-like appendage trying to get under his shirt, Heero broke off the kiss with a groan.
"Where's the instruction manual?"
Duo procured the manual with a grin and dropped it in Heero's outstretched hand. Then proceeded to pet the thing again.
"I don't think it's all that hard to work you know. I mean, it's self-lubricating, so that's pretty handy! I figure we just go at it and it'll do the job on its own, right?"
Heero looked up from the manual, just in time to see the appendage that had been wrapped around Duo's neck pulse and then splatter something viscous and white over Duo's neck and chin.
Heero blinked.
Duo blinked.
The thing draped limply over Duo's shoulder.
Then Duo licked his lips and Heero stared.
"Hey! It tastes just like pina colada!"
Well, Heero just had to get a taste for himself, and dove forward to kiss Duo again until they were both too caught up in their own passion to notice the thing pulsing in their laps happily.
-- Owari --
Title: Mail Order
Pairing: Heero, Duo and a... thing
Rating: R to NC-17, depending on how raunchy you are
Warnings: Bad humor, boys kissing, descriptions of an active and varied sex life, but no actual sex. Sorry! Also... tentacles. Really. But it's not as scary as it sounds! Honest!
Notes: This is all
merith and iniq's faults! They enabled me! Also, this is unbeta-ed. And quite possibly very stupid. You really shouldn't read it at all. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heero opened the door to his house after a trying day at Preventers, saw Duo sitting on the sofa with his best 'come-hither' expression, and very nearly walked back out again.
After a moment for his brain to re-process what he was seeing, Heero's second reaction was to stop himself from drawing his gun and shooting the... thing... sitting next to Duo on the sofa. After another few moments for emergency deliberation (one part of his brain said anything with Duo being mostly naked couldn't be bad, the other part of his brain reminded Heero that Duo being mostly naked also led to non-logical thought processes), Heero finally closed the door and faced Duo again. No, what he had seen was not a hallucination.
"Duo, what the hell is that... thing?"
His lover's expression shifted quickly from expectant to confused to surprised to upset and finally settled into something that Heero interpreted as 'sulky' and 'not getting any.' Duo tugged the... thing... up into his lap, arms wrapped around it almost protectively.
"You said that I could buy anything I wanted after you broke the sex swing."
Heero pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, feeling a headache coming on. "One, I meant that you could buy a new sex swing to replace the broken one. And two, you helped me break it."
"No way, Yuy! You're not pinning that one me. I did not break the sex swing, it was all your fault!" Oh yes, Duo's expression was rapidly shifting into the 'annoyed' and 'definitely not getting any' spectrum. This would take some negotiation or else there would be no sex all weekend, and that would just make Duo even more upset, and Heero would probably end up shooting someone. Again. And professional evaluations were coming up.
"I clearly remember when the sex swing broke, Duo, and you featured prominently in that night. I could not forget it."
Duo looked a little bit flattered as he recalled that night as well -- it had been highly enjoyable for both of them until the restraints had snapped -- but Duo quickly shook his head and frowned.
"'Don't worry. This rig is stress-tested to support one thousand pounds of weight. Now just spread your legs wider,'" Duo mocked with a bad imitation of Heero's voice. "Stress-tested, my ass! Literally! You weren't the one who fell out of that thing right before you got to come. You owe me, Heero, and you know it."
"That's why I said you could buy another one!"
There was another quick shake of Duo's head, long braid whipping through the air. "Un uh! Nope! I'm not risking my ass and my neck a second time. And I want this."
Heero's eyes once again focused on the... thing... Duo was cradling in his lap. His lover was actually stroking it rather reverently, and Heero thought that it might be irrational to be jealous of a... of a... what the hell was that... thing anyway?
"You still haven't told me what that is," Heero countered. "It looks--"
"Awesome! I know!" Duo beamed, petting the... thing more. It seemed to stretch and cling to his hand, wrapping around his wrist. Duo didn't notice but Heero did and felt mildly disturbed. "It's the newest thing on the market. Took awhile to get it. I was actually pretty lucky and got my order in right before they stopped takin' them."
With a frown and another aborted movement towards his gun when the... thing... wrapped around Duo's arm, Heero gave Duo a flat look. "You're still not telling me what exactly that... thing is. I'm not letting it near me if I don't know what it is or what it does."
Duo's violet eyes practically snapped sparks. "Heero! Don't say things like that! You'll hurt its feelings!"
"It's SENTIENT?!" Heero shouted, and this time he didn't stop himself from getting his hand around his gun.
"What?! Hey! No! I didn't say that!" Duo returned, flailing the one arm that wasn't currently wrapped up by the... thing. "It's not sentient! Really. Well... not enough to count anyway."
"Not enough to-- Duo! Where did you GET something like that in the first place?" Heero's hand twitched on the grip of his gun, its comfortable weight seeming like the only stable and sane thing in the world at the moment. Maybe he was hallucinating. Maybe he had fallen asleep during one of Une's weekly meetings. Maybe all the paperwork and red tape had buried him and he was in a coma. All of those options seemed more preferable than watching the... thing... stretch up towards Duo's shoulders while his lover paid no heed.
Duo, on the other hand, looked perfectly comfortable with the multi-appendaged... thing... casually molesting him. Duo looked down at it, fingers trailing over the bits wrapped loosely around his neck. "Don't worry, baby," he said softly to the thing in a comforting tone, "Daddy just doesn't appreciate you the way I do."
The words might have been more disturbing if Heero hadn't already overheard Duo speaking in such a manner to Deathscythe in the past. And to his custom hand-built motorcycle. And his favorite handgun. And their favorite pair of gundanium magnetic-locked cuffs. Still, there was only so much Heero could take, and his own answer was to pull out his pistol and snap off the safety.
"Okay, okay. Fine. I give," Duo said, realizing that Heero was reaching his breaking point. "Just promise you'll hear me out before you shoot? This was really expensive and I can't return it."
Heero didn't trust himself to speak without cursing and settled for nodding his head.
"Well, I really was going to look for a new sex swing before I decided I didn't want to risk breaking my neck. So I was looking through a catalogue for something new that we don't already have and found this." Running his free hand through his bangs, Duo grinned. "When I saw it advertised, I knew that I had to get it for us!"
"Duo, it's pornographic!"
"I know! Isn't it great? I always thought L2 had the market cornered for the kinky sex shit," Duo mistook Heero's horrified expression for one of disagreement and went on. "Yeah, yeah, I know L1 has that fetish stuff -- don't forget to pick up the school uniforms from the dry cleaners tomorrow, and make sure they don't overcharge us this time -- but that's L1's problem. You guys specialize too much. But, fuck. L3's got us both beat. You think it's because they're alone on the other side of the LaGrange system?"
"That... thing... came from L3?"
"Well, yeah. I asked Trowa."
Heero glared at Duo. "You mean Trowa knows that you bought that thing? For us? To use? For SEX?"
"Well, of course not, Heero!" Duo exclaimed, looking a little put off. "I don't go around spreading our love life everywhere, you know."
The Japanese man actually felt some relief with his lover's words.
"I asked Quatre for some advice about new toys and he gave me some suggestions. All I did was get the catalogue from Trowa."
Nevermind. That was actually worse.
It was all too much for his brain to process at once. He set the safety back on his gun and holstered it. Wearily, Heero sat down on the other end of the sofa, making sure to keep space between himself and the... thing. He could feel Duo's gaze on him, and could see the concerned expression on Duo's face from the corner of his eye.
"Is this... really bothering you, Heero?" Duo finally asked, still stroking one smooth appendage. Heero deigned to answer and Duo leaned forward. "We don't have to use this now, you know. I just thought it might be fun. There's even an instruction manual but I haven't read it all yet. Just... if it's really a big deal, I can package it up again. Maybe I can get a refund..."
Heero turned towards Duo, taking in his forlorn expression. Even the thing seemed depressed, its appendages hanging limply over Duo's lap and chest.
"You really want to keep this thing?"
"Not if you don't want it," Duo answered. "I should've asked you first but I thought you'd like the surprise and all."
With a deep exhalation, Heero reached over, tugging Duo close against his side. Duo looked surprised, then delighted, and Heero clearly interpreted the expression to mean 'wow you're so totally getting some tonight.' Heero then upgraded the response to 'we're both going to be walking funny tomorrow' after Duo eagerly pressed a kiss to his lips, one that was so hot and wet and all-encompassing that Heero didn't even notice when the thing sprawled to half lie over his own thighs. But once he felt one tentacle-like appendage trying to get under his shirt, Heero broke off the kiss with a groan.
"Where's the instruction manual?"
Duo procured the manual with a grin and dropped it in Heero's outstretched hand. Then proceeded to pet the thing again.
"I don't think it's all that hard to work you know. I mean, it's self-lubricating, so that's pretty handy! I figure we just go at it and it'll do the job on its own, right?"
Heero looked up from the manual, just in time to see the appendage that had been wrapped around Duo's neck pulse and then splatter something viscous and white over Duo's neck and chin.
Heero blinked.
Duo blinked.
The thing draped limply over Duo's shoulder.
Then Duo licked his lips and Heero stared.
"Hey! It tastes just like pina colada!"
Well, Heero just had to get a taste for himself, and dove forward to kiss Duo again until they were both too caught up in their own passion to notice the thing pulsing in their laps happily.
-- Owari --
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 09:42 am (UTC)XD
... piña colada. XD wroooooong.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:20 am (UTC)And why does everyone think pina colada is so wrong? @__@
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 09:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:21 am (UTC)So I've gotten you to read necrophilia, deathfics, and tentacle porn. What else is on your list of squicks for me to tackle?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 07:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 10:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 10:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 12:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:22 am (UTC)Of course, they might not know exactly WHAT Duo ordered, but I'm sure they could look through the catalogue, too, and makes some assumptions. ^^
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 12:30 pm (UTC)It's a tentacle monster. *____* Awwww, and such a cute one as well!
And it was pulsing and spurting and then limp! Limp! X3
Mmmm, gorgeous and hilarious and delicious ficlet. <3 <3 <3 Muchmuch love on you.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 12:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:25 am (UTC)^___^ Thanks for reading!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 01:43 pm (UTC)*snoggles you*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:26 am (UTC)#^^# I should not be surprised to see you appearing to comment on my pr0n. ♥ For a humor fic, everyone is saying this is sexy. XD I guess that's the author's block at work.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 03:50 pm (UTC)*chuckles* pina colada.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:28 am (UTC)... why is everyone commenting on the pina colada?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 04:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 09:50 pm (UTC)<3333333333 RE
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:31 am (UTC)♥ back!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-28 11:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-29 12:59 am (UTC)*but also amused as all hell ^^;*
This rocks!!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-29 07:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:34 am (UTC)... damn that tasty tropical drink! *shakes fist*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 06:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-29 09:34 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-30 12:35 am (UTC)Restart? Y/N
(no subject)
Date: 2006-04-25 08:32 pm (UTC)Large, major, humungous wrongness/love.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-04-26 09:49 pm (UTC)Unless you're talking about Duo. XD
(no subject)
Date: 2006-04-27 03:54 am (UTC)I don't know about Duo. We'll have to do some experiementing and find out.
*O*
Date: 2006-05-02 06:51 am (UTC)wahahaha i blame you now i'm a new fan of tentacle sex and fan of Pookie (i blame samikitty too)
hugs her *O*