comfort and joy

[windandwater]

At the sound of a door slamming shut, Trowa looked up from the newspaper he was reading. There, coming out of the dorms, was Duo. The braided boy had practically sequestered himself from the others since the whole bunny plink, actually afraid of casual contact with anyone. Except for the time he spent reading the daily newsfeeds with everyone, Duo stayed in his room. Even earlier, when they had been laughing at the antics of their counterparts and getting roaring drunk, Duo had slipped away rather early.



Well, now that Trowa thought about it, Heero probably wasn't drinking because of the newsfeeds. The Japanese boy was severely depressed, falling back into the mode of operation that Duo had termed "Perfect Solider" mode. When Heero was faced with things he did not understand, it was easier for him to fall back to his training than to deal with anything. Duo, too, was hiding himself away... but more because he didn't want anyone to witness what he thought of as weakness. If Duo had to wallow in his grief, the others let him... he couldn't be happy *all* the time.

"Hey, Trowa," Duo said muzzily, rubbing at his eyes as if he had just woken up.

Trowa set aside his newspaper. Even though he wasn't a part of the bunny plink, Duo had avoided him as well. In fact, this was the first time in *days* that Duo had voluntarily spoken to him. "Duo," he answered. "Just wake up?"

The American nodded, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch. He just sat there, staring out into space, and it was very unnerving.

"Are you hungry?" the Latin boy asked. He wasn't used to having to *start* a conversation... especially not around Duo.

"Not really."

"When's the last time you ate?"

"Are you my keeper now?" Duo snapped out suddenly, his violet eyes flashing. Trowa was stunned by Duo's outburst and it must have shown on his face, because the braided boy wilted and ran a hand through his chestnut bangs. "Sorry, Tro. I didn't mean to--"

"It's okay, Duo," Trowa replied. Whatever was in Trowa's voice when he answered -- pity, understanding, sympathy -- set off a spark in the braided boy.

With a choked noise, Duo buried his face in his hands. "I don't know what's going on anymore, Tro! I don't know anything anymore! It's all fucked up! It's all fucked! Just like me!"

Going against his better judgement -- if he made a mistake, he could end up dead -- Trowa leaned over and pulled Duo into his arms. The American panicked and fought against him for a minute before collapsing into his embrace. Pale fingers tightened in the material of his shirt and Trowa could feel warm tears soaking into his shoulder. As Duo continued to sob, all Trowa could do was rub smooth circles on his back, murmurring soft nonsense to soothe the distraught boy.

"It's okay, Duo," Trowa said softly, "It's going to be okay. I understand. I understand."

"Why?!" Duo screamed against Trowa's chest. "Why?! Why did it have to be Heero? I coulda taken it from any nameless stranger! I have before! But why Heero?! Why did it have to *him*?! It's not *fair*... it's fucking not fair!"

Trowa just hugged Duo tighter. "I can't answer that Duo. I don't know what Heero was thinking."

"He fucking wasn't thinking!"

"He's sorry."

"I don't care!"

"Yes, you do."

"No..." Duo sniffed, angrily scrubbing away the tears from his face. "... no, I don't. He fucking won't apologize. He fucking won't give me a reason. He won't fucking look me in the *face* and tell me I was a good lay. I hope he *suffers*."

Trowa just continued to hold Duo as the other boy sagged against him. He idly finger-combed Duo's chestnut hair, playing with the long braid. "I know you're hurt now, Duo. I know you're angry. You're asking yourself why you, why him, why it ever had to happen. You want to know if you can ever leave your past behind you, and not have it haunt your every waking moment. But you have to know that Heero isn't just a nameless person from your past. He cares about you. He wouldn't have purposely tried to hurt you."

"But he did, Tro..." Duo replied, his voice tired. "He hurt me in the worst way he could've. He made me feel like I was nine years old again in L2."

"But hasn't he -- all of us -- done everything we can to make you feel safe? Aren't you happy here? With us?"

Duo jerked back, looking into Trowa's green eyes. "Of course! You guyz are the best thing that ever happened to me. It just... hurts..."

"I know."

Duo hugged Trowa around the middle, tucking himself carefully on the other boy's lap. Trowa cradled him easily, allowing the other boy to take comfort from him in any way possible. And that was good enough for now.