For K-chan because I was inspired...
Jul. 14th, 2001 06:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
windandwaterThere were days when Eriol cursed the fact that he had split his power with Fujitaka.
This was turning into one of them.
It had often crossed his mind whether the decision to split Clow Reed's power between his two incarnations was a decision that Clow Reed himself had made, or whether it had been a dim wish that Eriol Hiiragizawa had corrupted and crafted himself to fulfill. Was it truly the right thing to have Clow's power so irreversibly ripped apart? Or was it just because he, Eriol, longed to live a life which was wholly his own and not tainted by the touch of Clow?
Eriol also often wondered if there was anything he could have done to prevent this tragic future from taking place. "There is no coincidence, only the inevitable," he murmured to himself, then slammed down his book on the table. "How I hate those words so. While Clow Reed was powerful enough to see the future, he was not powerful enough to control his gift. Are we all pawns then, to his machinations? Even Sakura was— is not immune to his far- reaching will, though she also has the power to see events before they come. So what is the difference? Is it simply that Sakura, surrounded by love, will not use her gift? Is it only because Clow Reed, so deprived of love, choose to exploit his gift and free himself from his fate? Ah, Eriol... you're talking to yourself again. Spinel Sun would chastize you and Ruby Moon would laugh."
Eriol ground his teeth against the frustration rising within him.
Rising from his chair, Eriol wandered through his quarters, pacing relentlessly as his thoughts spun out of control. Was there anything he could have done to spare Sakura, all of them, such a future? Was there a move he could have made, a speech he could have given, a sacrifice he could have borne, that would have left Li Syaoran alive? Could he have manipulated things in such a way that Touya would not become crippled as he was? That would have let Mizuki Kaho live? That would give Sakura back her son? Would his retaining the full powers of Clow have changed their fates that much?
It was, of course, useless to think of this now. Hindsight was ever perfect, but even after seventeen years Eriol could find no way that would have freed his "family" from their current situation. Would he have done it? Eriol questioned himself. Would he have carried Clow's burden upon his shoulders to free Sakura of her own grief? Eriol knew that the answer was yes. Like those in their strange family, Eriol would have done anything to protect Sakura. Indeed, his whole life seemed to have Sakura at its center. Sakura... the daughter that Clow could never have and the woman that Eriol could not either. It frightened him sometimes to think that he would give up his life in an instant simply to protect the auburn-haired woman with vibrant green eyes.
It also made him realize that the parts of himself he attributed to Clow were not as deeply buried as he thought. And he had tried so hard to separate himself from his previous self. While there was nothing he could do about the memories and knowledge Clow had left with him, Eriol struggled everyday to live his *own* life, and not Clow Reed's. He was no Kinomoto Fujitaka! He would not allow his life to be dictated by a man that was long since dead... to be a puppet living out the fantasies of a dead man!
"Damn you, Clow Reed!" Eriol snarled to the empty room. "Even now you haunt all of us! All your wisdom! All your power! And even now neither you or I can protect the ones we love! You're a curse, Clow! And I will damn you even if I damn myself!" His fist swung blindly, smashing into the antique wardrobe that stood in the corner.
The pain stabbing through his appendage snapped Eriol out of his blind rage. He carefully pulled his hand out of the hole he had made in the piece of furniture.
"Well," Eriol said to himself ruefully, rubbing his injured hand, "that was very immature of me. My destroying my wardrobe will accomplish nothing at all. I should prepare myself. That boy will be arriving soon."
This was turning into one of them.
It had often crossed his mind whether the decision to split Clow Reed's power between his two incarnations was a decision that Clow Reed himself had made, or whether it had been a dim wish that Eriol Hiiragizawa had corrupted and crafted himself to fulfill. Was it truly the right thing to have Clow's power so irreversibly ripped apart? Or was it just because he, Eriol, longed to live a life which was wholly his own and not tainted by the touch of Clow?
Eriol also often wondered if there was anything he could have done to prevent this tragic future from taking place. "There is no coincidence, only the inevitable," he murmured to himself, then slammed down his book on the table. "How I hate those words so. While Clow Reed was powerful enough to see the future, he was not powerful enough to control his gift. Are we all pawns then, to his machinations? Even Sakura was— is not immune to his far- reaching will, though she also has the power to see events before they come. So what is the difference? Is it simply that Sakura, surrounded by love, will not use her gift? Is it only because Clow Reed, so deprived of love, choose to exploit his gift and free himself from his fate? Ah, Eriol... you're talking to yourself again. Spinel Sun would chastize you and Ruby Moon would laugh."
Eriol ground his teeth against the frustration rising within him.
Rising from his chair, Eriol wandered through his quarters, pacing relentlessly as his thoughts spun out of control. Was there anything he could have done to spare Sakura, all of them, such a future? Was there a move he could have made, a speech he could have given, a sacrifice he could have borne, that would have left Li Syaoran alive? Could he have manipulated things in such a way that Touya would not become crippled as he was? That would have let Mizuki Kaho live? That would give Sakura back her son? Would his retaining the full powers of Clow have changed their fates that much?
It was, of course, useless to think of this now. Hindsight was ever perfect, but even after seventeen years Eriol could find no way that would have freed his "family" from their current situation. Would he have done it? Eriol questioned himself. Would he have carried Clow's burden upon his shoulders to free Sakura of her own grief? Eriol knew that the answer was yes. Like those in their strange family, Eriol would have done anything to protect Sakura. Indeed, his whole life seemed to have Sakura at its center. Sakura... the daughter that Clow could never have and the woman that Eriol could not either. It frightened him sometimes to think that he would give up his life in an instant simply to protect the auburn-haired woman with vibrant green eyes.
It also made him realize that the parts of himself he attributed to Clow were not as deeply buried as he thought. And he had tried so hard to separate himself from his previous self. While there was nothing he could do about the memories and knowledge Clow had left with him, Eriol struggled everyday to live his *own* life, and not Clow Reed's. He was no Kinomoto Fujitaka! He would not allow his life to be dictated by a man that was long since dead... to be a puppet living out the fantasies of a dead man!
"Damn you, Clow Reed!" Eriol snarled to the empty room. "Even now you haunt all of us! All your wisdom! All your power! And even now neither you or I can protect the ones we love! You're a curse, Clow! And I will damn you even if I damn myself!" His fist swung blindly, smashing into the antique wardrobe that stood in the corner.
The pain stabbing through his appendage snapped Eriol out of his blind rage. He carefully pulled his hand out of the hole he had made in the piece of furniture.
"Well," Eriol said to himself ruefully, rubbing his injured hand, "that was very immature of me. My destroying my wardrobe will accomplish nothing at all. I should prepare myself. That boy will be arriving soon."